December 20, 2010

Today was my due date. I was going to VBAC (vaginal birth after a c-section) so really there's no way of knowing whether or not Pepper would have arrived today - probably not lol. But when you find out you're pregnant, you begin to focus on that date - 36 weeks or so in the future - that is approximate time of your baby's arrival. Ask any pregnant woman - the estimated due date is a big deal. We all know baby could arrive two weeks on either side of that day, but it doesn't matter. The due date is important!

So anyway....when you lose a pregnancy, your due date becomes a not so happy reminder of what was supposed to happen and what actually happened instead. This is the third time I've hit a due date for a dead baby. It doesn't get easier. It gets different. I know what to expect of my emotions this time. I know only one or two people will remember and that won't get to me as much as it did the first time. But I think I'm more frustrated this time. I'm ready for my take home baby...and this is just another reminder that I don't have that yet. It's another reminder that I have no choice but to wait.

I'm not a patient person. And I have had more than one "why her and not me??" moments when I see pregnant women out and about. But my husband said it well the other night "There is something God wants that woman to learn and experience by having a baby right now and there is something He wants you to learn by not having one. We have to trust that He knows what He's doing" And I know James is right about that. So I wait. I know when it is our turn - when I see how God was working - it will be worth the wait. It doesn't take away the pain and grief, but it makes it easier to deal with somehow.

accept where you are...right now

I just read this somewhere and it stuck out to me a bit....

When we lost Pepper, the doctors said "wait 4-6 months to try again" The bereavement people sent us all this paper work and the ongoing theme was "wait 6 months to make major life decisions"


I get that now....

We are 4 days out from 4 months since I found out we had lost her. We're 5 days out from 4 months since she was born sleeping.

In the past 4 months, I have been all over the place with what I want to do.

On the way home from the hospital on July 15, James asked if I was ok and why I was calmer this time than I had been the first time. I told him it was b/c I knew we were going to try again soon and we would have another baby. The first time I didn't have that. The first pregnancy we lost was unplanned and things were rough in our marriage. James did not want more kids b/c of that and I really never thought we would have another baby. So I was grieving a lot of things there - the loss of a much wanted baby, my marriage not being everything I wanted it to be, the thought of never having another baby. I was also a different person then. I've grown a lot in the past two years. Two years and one day actually. Yesterday was two years to the day that we found out baby "smurph" was gone....today is 2 years to the day from my D&E.

So I was calmer this time....that's where I was going with this. Of course as time went on and things became a little clearer...I spent a lot of time in tears. But the deep horrible anger I had the first time, the bitterness at the unfairness of it all...I've not experienced that so much this time. I've been angery...I've seen pregnant women and infants and felt the horrible jealousy towards them and bitterness towards my own situation. But mostly...I've just felt this horrible sadness. And a physical ache...my heart hurts. I've talked about that before. It's a physical pain.

So....anyway - we were going to conceive right away...starting this month....

And then I had a thought....maybe I'll go back to school. And I voiced that thought to my husband who thought it was brilliant. And so that's been the plan for a couple of months.

And then about a month ago I started thinking....another baby sooner would be nice. Then we found out about the PCOS and I started thinking....waiting might be a bad idea.

All of my thoughts...all of my "decisions"....all of what I "want"....is driven by fear. Wanting to wait to have another baby - driven by fear of what if this happens again? Hell....let's take that waiting one step further...the most painful place in my heart that says "this is just not worth the heartache anymore" - it's scared of trying again ever. It's scared to adopt in case that falls through. It's scared to hurt like this ever again. Because I am so much better than I was at first. But I look back at those first dark days after we lost Pepper. And I know how much they hurt. And I'm not sure I can handle those again. So I want to put it off as long as possible.

Then the wanting to jump into again now...I'm scared if we don't it will only get harder to get pregnant. It's easy for us now...what if we wait and my pcos gets worse? What if we wait and we have trouble conceiving next time? The risk of miscarriage increases as you get older....waiting is a bad idea.....the what ifs will drive you crazy...for real.

Then there's this other part of me that says....let it go. And see what happens. And sometimes I feel like that's the most rational part of my brain. And sometimes I realize that I want the decision made for me so that I don't have to make it for myself. I don't think that's the way it's going to work either. I don't know....

So anyway - I read that about accepting where you are right now. And I think maybe in addition to accepting it, enjoying it would be important too. I've spent 4 months in "limbo" - and I want a plan. But I'm not there yet. I'm not ready to make a plan yet. But because I want a plan, I'm having a hard time enjoying what I have now...And what I have now is really good. I have a great kid, a great marriage, a husband that loves me. I have a house, a job I enjoy, a great family and friends in general. And good stuff is happening now too.

So maybe instead of trying to figure out the plan, I need to remind myself to relax and enjoy right now. I'm going to spend the next little while - however long it takes to have a clear answer - in prayer. And see if God is leading me in a specific direction. And I'm going to enjoy what I have right now. I'm going to enjoy my Mondays and Wednesdays with Corbin. I'm going to lose 10lbs. I'm going to start volunteering. Just because I don't have a plan yet doesn't mean life has to stop. It doesn't mean I have to be in "limbo"

After all...."life is what happens while you're making other plans" So I'm going to attempt to enjoy life and take the plan as it comes.

cruisin to the bahamas

Last weekend James and I went on a cruise. It was awesome! To share all the pictures and go into all the details would take forever, so I'm just gonna hit the highlights.

So Friday we got on the boat. The boat left Miami, we got settled in, and then we went to check things out. It was way rainy and windy:

Saturday morning, I woke up to this view from our window::

We got up, had breakfast, and then got off the boat to spend the day in Nassau....



We walked around for a while

and then got a taxi to Atlantis::

We found a bar and had a couple of drinks:

Then we caught a taxi back and went to have some lunch::

 

 After lunch, we walked on a beach to get back to our boat:

 

Sunday we spent the day on the boat.

We rode the waterslide:

 

Bought a fruity drink in a coconut (his name is Fred lol):

 And laid around in the sun:

 

 

Then we got dressed for dinner:

 

And finished the night out with a surprise encounter with Spider Man:

 

All too soon our trip was over. When we woke up Monday morning, we were back in Miami:
 

 

We had a great time and can't wait to do it again :)

reproductive endocrinologist and test result updates

I got my test results back from the doctor on Friday. Everything looked good, except I had about a gazillion cysts on my ovaries. Ok not quite a gazillion...I can't remember the exact number, but it was at least 12 (what you have to have in order to have polycystic ovaries). That, combined with slightly longer cycles and later ovulation earned me a PCOS diagnosis. I can't say that I was super surprised. At my first appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist, the nurse practitioner made it quite clear they didn't like that my cycles were consistently longer than 35 days. And I have a history of ovarian cysts. No one ever said anything about PCOS at that time, but when the NP showed me my u/s of my ovaries, I knew what was coming.

PCOS increases your chances of miscarrying to 40%-45%. Most women have a 15%-20% chance of miscarrying. They are not saying this is why we are miscarrying. But they are saying this is not helping our chances of having a take home baby. So they are treating me with metformin. From what I understand - with pcos you don't always process insulin correctly and that can cause the cysts. Metformin is typically prescribed for diabetics b/c it helps you process insulin the right way. The hope is that will help control my pcos and it won't get worse. It may help my cycles be a normal length and decrease my ovarian cysts. It may also make it a bit easier to lose weight - something that I can do now, but have to work really really hard to do. The RE would like me to lose 10-15lbs, so I'm hopeful it won't be as hard now. 

The other thing that concerned my RE was the fact that I tend to ovulate later in my cycles - usually b/t cycle days 20-30. Ovulating later in your cycle can (it does not always) increase the chances of "genetically abnormal embryos". Obviously this increases the chance of miscarriage. For lots of women, this is not an issue, but with our history of pregnancy loss, the RE wants to try to get me ovulating earlier in my cycle - preferably before CD 16. In order to accomplish this, he will be putting me on a medication called Femara when we are ready to try to conceive again. I'm hopeful that the metformin will regulate my cycles, since they're only slightly irregular and we can avoid the fertility medication. But if not, the RE feels this will give us a better chance for a take home baby.

This is all based on a couple of assumptions - the biggest one being that James has normal genes. So we are hoping to get chromosomal karyotyping on him in the next week or so. We will have those results in about 6 weeks. If they all come back normal, then we go on with the medicine and trying to have a full term baby. If his are messed up our options are pretty limited. We will discuss those if it happens. 

The other assumption we are working under is that something has been genetically wrong with our losses. I had originally been told that was not the case - that the babies were genetically fine. I recently found out that they never tested chromosomes on the first loss. The pathology was normal, but we don't know more than that. With Pepper, the chromosomes would not grow and although the autopsy was good and she looked normal - that does not mean genetically everything was fine. The loss in between was very early and losses that early typically are b/c of genetic stuff. So we're working with the assumption that James and I are genetically fine, but maybe making genetically abnormal babies.

So basically the plan is take some small steps to increase our chances of genetically normal babies and to control my PCOS in hopes of getting our take home baby.

That's our update....

Money has been a bit snug here in the Murphy home lately - although I'm sure almost everyone can relate to that anymore. But we got hit with all of my medical bills from my miscarriage (which had to be induced in the hospital, due to my body failing to realize what had happened, and earned me an overnight stay on L&D) and the subsequent 4 day stay from my infection two weeks later. Right after that, they stopped giving James overtime at work. So it's been tight the last couple of months. It's ok - we have everything we need. We've just cut back on the wants. But I like to have a little wiggle room in the budget and we are striving to get 100% debt free and get some savings going. So we've both been spending a lot of time in prayer about our jobs and just trying to trust God to provide in whatever way he was going to.

We've recently started taking a Crown Financial class at church and have begun tithing again as well. It seems to contradict the whole tightening up thing - but we've been convicted about our money and have realized that it's not ours really in the first place. We want to use His money that He's so graciously given to us in a way that will honor Him and we have felt convicted that the first way we can do that is to give back to Him first thing and trust that He will provide a way for ends to meet.

And He has. 

I have been paying attention at work and looking for an opportunity to transfer back into the hospice house. There is a pay increase with this - on nights in particular. Well last Wednesday a position was posted for the hospice house close to my home. It was a night shift job. I applied for it right away. On Thursday, HR called to set up an interview for Friday. The interview went well but they had "more applicants to interview and would get back to me next week" Well this afternoon they called and offered me the job!! I was thrilled of course! Not only will my paychecks be bigger, but we will be able to cut down to 4 days - maybe even 3 days - of daycare for Corbin, saving us even more money.

This will be a bit of an adjustment for our family. Working nights is hard b/c I enjoy spending the evenings with James and Corbin and I feel like I will see less of them. I also have to work every other weekend. But it is only 3-4 nights a week and every other weekend, so we will just make the most of the other nights and weekends that I am off work. I am looking forward to being home with Corbin a couple more days a week though and I know he will like to stay home a bit more as well.

I am so glad that God opened this door for us and I'm so excited to see how the transition goes.

"when daddy let me drive"

I am all about carseat safety. My family calls me a "carseat nazi". Corbin rearfaced in the carseat until 18 months and would have gone longer except he outgrew the seat. I plan to keep him harnessed until he's 5 or 6 - when ever he outgrows the seat he's in. I cringe when I see carseats installed wrong, loose harness straps, or kids wearing coats in the carseat. A girl at work brought her baby in and the carseat was a hot mess, so I fixed it for her without even asking. To me - there's no point in using the carseat if it's not being used right!

So a couple of weeks ago, my car was in the shop. James picked me up after work and we stopped to get Corbin on the way home. We did not have the carseat with us, but since his daycare is literally just around the corner from the house, I sucked it up. As we got in the car, Corbin asked if he could drive daddy's truck. My gut instinct was to say no. No way can you drive daddy's truck! We're already being completely unsafe - this is a horrible idea!!!

Well James said sure, popped him on his lap, and started the truck.

And we were off....

Of course, I'm flipping out the majority of the less than a minute trip home. Really not comfortable with this, what is my husband thinking....blah blah blah....

And then...

I looked over at Corbin and he is in HEAVEN. The grin on his face, the excitement in his eyes - this kid is having the time of his life. And it reminded me of when I was a little girl.

I am sure that my daddy let me drive his vehicle at some point in time before I was legally supposed to. I vaguely remember that. But what stands out as a favorite memory to me is this....my grandpa used to let us sit on his lap and drive the car or the tractor. And  we always felt so grown up and important and special doing it. It was so exciting and so much fun and obviously I loved it b/c 20 yrs later it's one of my favorite childhood memories. 

While Corbin won't be driving again for a very long time - I'm glad his daddy overruled me and let him that day. He may not remember it - but we will. And the look on his face and the good time he had is one of my favorite Corbin memories.

On a side note....as I was driving to work yesterday the song "when daddy let me drive" by Alan Jackson came on the radio. Made me think of my sweet boy. I'll post the words below:

It was painted red
It's stripe was white
It was 18 feet
From the bow to the stern light
2nd hand from a dealer in Atlanta
I rode up with daddy
When he went there to get her
Put on a shine
Put on a motor
Built out of love
And made for water
Ran it for years
Till the transom got rotten
A piece of my childhood that'll never be forgotten
It was, just an old plywood boat
75 johnson with electric choke
A young boy, two hands on the wheel
I cant replace the way it made me feel
And I would turn it shore line, and, make it wide
He'd say, ya can't beat the way an old wood boat rides
Just a little lake across the Alabama line
But I was king of the ocean, when daddy let me drive

Just an old 1/2 ton, short-bed Ford
My uncle bought new, in '64
Daddy got it right
Cause the engine was smokin'
Couple of burnt valves and he had it goin'
He'd let me drive her when we'd haul off a load
Down a dirt strip, where we'd dump trash
Off of Thickpin Road

I would sit on the seat
And stretch my feet out to the pedals
Smiling like a hero that just received his medal
It was just an old hand-me-down ford
With 3 speed on the column
And a dent in the door

A young boy, 2 hands on the wheel
I can't replace the way it, made me feel
And I would press that clutch and I'd keep it right
He'd say a lil' slower son you're doin' just fine
Just a dirt road with trash on each side
But I was Mario Andretti
When daddy let me drive

Im grown up now 3 daughters of my own
I let 'em drive my old jeep
Cross the pasture at our home
Maybe one day they'll reach back in their file
And pull out that old memory
And think of me and smile, and say
It's just an old worn out jeep
With rusty ole floor boards
Hot on my feet
A young girl, two hands on the wheel
I can't replace the way it, made me feel
And he'd say, turn it left now, and steer it right
Straighten up girl now, you're doin' just fine
Just a lil' valley by the river where we'd ride
But I was high on a mountain, when daddy let me drive
Daddy let me drive

new blog

I created a fitness blog so I have somewhere to post to keep me accountable. Check it out :)

James 1:2-4

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

 ****************************************

This is one of my favorite scriptures. It's underlined, highlighted, starred,etc in my Bible.
 *****
I heard some news today that is actually wonderful news for a sweet family member. But it made me a bit sad as well. News that someone is expecting again is proving to be a thing that causes mixed emotions in me more often than not anymore. While I am always thrilled that someone is being blessed with a new baby, it is a painful reminder of what I lost and the fact that maybe God is closing the door of a second child for us. So it can sting a little. And in the moment that I heard my family member's wonderful news, there was a small part of my heart that hurt for a minute. Perhaps that makes me a horrible, selfish person? I honestly don't know. But it is what it is and while I am seeking to be content in circumstance I don't like, there are moments where it is hard.

All of that said....as I'm standing in my kitchen, pulling apart a VERY hot whole chicken for chicken soup (which is amazing soup by the way!) - I'm having my difficult moment. The good thing is I could take out my emotions on poor mister chicken. That was a nice touch lol. But I'm thinking and that verse pops in to my head. And then I'm thinking..."well that's special and all, but surely not applicable to my situation"

About 20 seconds later I realize it is applicable to my situation. See the God I serve knows all. And knew what trials I was going to go through a long time before I did - since the beginning of time last I checked lol. And I can't pick and choose what situations in my life scripture is applicable to. My situations do not change God's word. Somehow, even in a really bad situation - a painful situation - I am to count it all as joy b/c God is being and will be glorified through this. And it's really really hard. I'm learning a little more each day exactly how much I have to rely on His strength to do what is right in my life. Because left to my own, I would be a rather pitiful mess. By the grace of God, I am not - but I'm still a struggling person more often than not.

We have been talking church about making the choice to follow God. This morning we specifically talked about following God when His plans are different than ours are. I really don't remember a lot of what the pastor said...I was having my own little chat with God. But what I got out of church this morning is basically this...I can't change God's plan. His will is going to happen no matter what I do. But I can control how I react to it. When you serve a sovereign God, you know He could have stopped your tragedy. Maybe He didn't cause it, but He did allow it to happen. And you're left with the question of "why?" Why didn't He stop it if He could have? What is the reason for His actions (or lack thereof) in this situation? And you have a choice...You can choose to walk away b/c it hurts too much and you don't want to serve a God who didn't intervene in your personal tragedy. Or you can choose to continue to follow God, knowing that somewhere in someway good will come, God's will will be done, and He is faithful and sovereign in all things.

I can tell you honestly that some days it seems like it would be easier to just walk away from it. But in my heart, I know the truth, I know the God I serve, and I know that I can't just walk away. There is too much at stake to give it all up. So by the grace and strength of God, I keep on holding on. I may falter and cry and have a bad day. But that's the beautiful thing about God's grace and strength. It's abundant. It never runs out. And even in the moments when I'm taking my feelings out on an innocent dead whole chicken and feeling anger, and sorrow, and disappointment, and pain....if I lean on Him, put my trust in Him, and follow Him, somehow I will get through it all.

last week's weigh in

154.5! Down 1.1lbs...

I've been a bit of an exercise slacker the past couple of days and will be starting P90X week 6 over again tomorrow. I should be on day 5 tomorrow, but like I said - lazy slacker. My weight is holding steady though, so hopefully if I get back on it tomorrow, I'll see a little loss....

song that's currently stuck in my head

I love love love this song. Have listened to it at least once a day for the last two weeks. 

 

Won't Turn Back

needtobreathe

 

 Lonely like a sailor
Who's left his girl at home
No storm could overtake the love he knows

So tell me why I should run for cover
At the sound of the coming thunder
All I hear is the cry of my lover
So take your shot
I won't turn back

I won't turn back

Faithful like a soldier
Who's answered to the call
Even when his back's against the wall

So tell me why I should run for cover
At the sound of the coming thunder
All I hear is the cry of my lover
Yeah take your shot
I won't turn back

No I won't turn back

weigh in...

155.6 lol.

I was up to 158 on Monday though, so I'll take it. I've already meal planned for today - including a couple drinks at the bowling alley - and I'm within my calorie range. Plus I'm going to work out this afternoon. So maybe I'll maintain through the weekend. Not getting my hopes up to lose weight. That rarely happens on a weekend. But if I can hold steady, I'll be thrilled lol.

Hopefully I'll see 153 next Friday :)

Inspiration

My fabulous sister has lost a ton of weight and looks amazing. And she's still going strong. When she puts her mind to something like weight loss, she does awesome with it.

Me? I'm a crappy dieter. I've been losing weight since corbo was born. Three pregnancies and miscarriages in ther have made it tricky. I was 142 lbs when we got pregnant in January. We lost it a week later - febuary 7 - and between that and my starting full time at work, I gains 5 lbs before I got pregnant again in March. Opps. I then proceeded to gain 12 lbs in the 17wks
I was pregnant with Pepper Lynn.

2 months later, I've lost 3 lbs.

So not ok.

I started p90x in august and I'm almost done with my first month. I am noticing a difference in how my clothes are fitting, so that's great. But I want to lose weight and it's not so easy.

I know what I need to do - track every bite of food and stay within my calorie range. But some days are just bad and I'm a lazy slacker.

So inspired by my sister, I'll be posting my weekly weighins on my blog every friday. Maybe it will help. Certainly can't hurt. I'm thinking about starting a weightloss blog as well and will let everyone know if I do.

Here is last Fridays weight:155lbs.

I will be happy with a lb a week lost. I'm going to stick to the plan, write down everything I eat, continue to exercise, and hopefully that scale will start moving in the right direction (quickly!!)

We'll see how this goes!

double chocolate peanut butter pie recipe

Got this one from food and wine. Not too difficult to make and yummy. Really rich though.

Ingredients

Chocolate Crust

1. 4 ounces semisweet chocolate, chopped (1/2 cup)
2. 1/2 stick unsalted butter, cut into tablespoons
3. 8 ounces chocolate wafer cookies (from a 9-ounce package), finely ground (2 cups)

Peanut Butter Filling

1. 8 ounces cream cheese, softened (1 cup)
2. 1 cup chunky peanut butter
3. 1/2 cup sugar
4. 2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
5. 1 cup well-chilled heavy cream
6. 3/4 cup salted roasted peanuts, chopped
7. Kosher salt

Chocolate Topping

4 ounces semisweet chocolate, chopped (1/2 cup)
1/2 cup heavy cream 

Directions

1. Preheat the oven to 375°. In a medium glass bowl, combine the chocolate and butter and microwave at high power in 20-second intervals until the chocolate is melted. Stir well, then stir in the cookie crumbs. Press the cookie crumbs over the bottom of a 9-inch springform pan and 1 1/2 inches up the side. Bake the crust for 10 minutes, or until set; the crust will continue to firm up as it cools.
2. In a large bowl, using a handheld electric mixer, beat the cream cheese with the peanut butter, sugar and vanilla extract until blended. In another large bowl, using the same beaters, whip the chilled cream until firm. Fold one-third of the whipped cream into the peanut butter mixture to loosen it, then fold in the remaining whipped cream and 1/2 cup of the chopped peanuts. Spoon the filling into the crust, smoothing the surface. Sprinkle lightly with salt and refrigerate until set, about 3 hours.
3. In a medium glass bowl, combine the chocolate with the heavy cream and microwave at high power in 20-second intervals until the chocolate is melted and the cream is hot. Stir the chocolate topping until blended, then let cool to barely warm, stirring occasionally.
4. Spread the chocolate topping over the peanut butter filling and refrigerate until just firm, about 15 minutes. Sprinkle the remaining 1/4 cup of chopped peanuts around the edge of the pie. Carefully run a thin knife around the pie crust to loosen it, then remove the springform ring. Using a sharp knife, cut the pie into wedges. Run the knife under hot water and dry it between each cut.

Make Ahead

The pie can be covered and refrigerated overnight. Garnish with the chopped peanuts before serving. Serve the pie chilled or slightly cooler than room temperature.

hysterosalpingogram

My HSG (hysterosalpingogram) was today. Basically, they stick a catheter in your cervix, pump your uterus full of dye, and take pictures. It's usually done for women with fertility issues - specifically to make sure the fallopian tubes are clear or that there are no adhesions, etc that could cause issues with implantation. Mine was done to make sure my uterus was shaped normally and there were no adhesions, etc that would cause problems to a growing baby.

 The initial results are good. We'll know for sure in a couple of days.

It was not a comfortable procedure, but wasn't unbearable. I had quite a bit of painful cramping when they put the dye in - that was the worst part to me. The radiologist was amazing. She had had two HSGs done herself and she was very understanding and did everything slowly and gently. I was laughing and joking with her and the tech. A good atmosphere definitely makes a big difference and I'm so glad I had nice people doing my test. 

I'm home now. Feeling ok. I'm crampy, but I expected to be. Just gonna take it easy for the rest of the night. 

I have an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist next week for a second opinion on everything. I'll update after that.

who do you love?

Tonight I told Corbin: "I love you"
He said "I love someone else"- with a wicked grin on his face.
I asked him who he loved....

And he said....

"I love God and Jesus!"

Love that kid.

philippians 4:12

2I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 

I was having a pity party this evening - well most of this week for that matter. For a number of reason - mostly hormonal - this has been the worst week for me yet. Well the worst since the first week after Pepper was delivered.

Anyway - I have been pouty and fussy and really quite discontent this week. People keep telling me I have the right to be emotional - and they do have a good point. I would definitely agree that it is ok to be sad, to cry, to have a bad day, to be a little angry at times. But my attitude this week has been one of discontent. It's been really bad. It's been wrong. I can absolutely grieve and have bad moments without sinning. But the pity party - the discontent - is way out of line here.

Anyway - in the midst of my pity party, I started thinking about the above verse..."I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances"....

"Well that's all well and good for him. He obviously had it together a lot more than I do. Wish God would tell me how to be content" blah blah blah. On and on went my negative, pouty, discontent self dialogue"

I decided to look up the verse - mostly b/c I was pouty and wanted to rant on my blog.

And then - God knocked me upside the head with the next verse. I have known these verses since I was a kid, but apparently they slipped my mind. Anyway...verse 13 says "I can do everything through him who gives me strength"

And the lightbulb goes off again - b/c I know this already, apparently I just forgot it in the midst of my temper tantrum....The secret to being content is to rely on God. I can do all things through Him, He can give me the strength to be content in my circumstances.

Wish I had remembered this on Monday. My week would have been a lot more pleasant!

Ever since the ultrasound tech looked at me and said "It's a boy!" I have been looking forward to the day Corbin was old enough to play football. To me that is one of the most exciting parts of having a boy and there was never a doubt in my mind that we would sign him up as soon as he was old enough to play.

****Disclaimer**** If Corbin hates football or doesn't want to play - we are totally ok with that. I just want him to try. He can do whatever makes him happy when it comes to sports :)

That day is here.

About a month ago, I looked at the YMCA website to see what sports they offered for a 3 year old. Soccer was listed (little kickers). That was the only one on the website for a 3 year old. Flag football (little punters) did not start until age 4. I had expected this and we decided soccer was a great introduction to team sports. He could always do football next year when he was 4.

I called the YMCA on my lunch this afternoon and there was only one spot for soccer left. I work 5 minutes from the Y, so I took off as fast as I could. My kiddo was not missing out on a sport b/c mama can't get it together. I made it in time - they told me another mama had called right after me and was on her way as well.

When they handed me the paperwork, I noticed it said "little punters - age 3", so I asked them about it. The website was wrong!!!! Football starts at 3!!!! I debated for about 5 minutes and even tried to call James to ask his opinion. But James didn't answer and so I made an executive decision. My son is playing flag football!

I am super excited and so is Corbin. I told him after I picked him up today. His first practice is September 25. I'll post pictures and updates after that :)

dear well meaning people

I know you mean well. Really. And I don't hold the fact that you don't get it against you. Really I don't. But for future reference - please don't tell me that a miscarriage is natures way of weeding out the bad eggs. I do understand that frequently a m/c happens b/c there are issues that make the baby incompatible with life. I absolutely get that sometimes there are chromosomal issues that are so extreme - that a miscarriage happens. I am aware that this is a common reason for a m/c.

Here's the thing though...Chromosomal abnormalities did not cause 2 out of 3 of my m/c's. It may have been why I miscarried the second time - early early miscarriages are almost always b/c of a chromosomal issue and it was a super early loss.

But the first one - well I had the tissue tested. The baby had no abnormalities. It was just one of those things and there is no explanation.

And Pepper's stuff all came back normal too. It was a cord accident. Not nature weeding out a bad egg.

So unless you know the story - don't say that. Even if you do know the story, don't say that. It wouldn't have mattered to me if my baby had issues. I would have loved her anyway. It doesn't make me feel better to hear that. IT doesn't make most dead baby moms feel better to hear that. It just makes us want to cry or throw something. And neither of those reactions are considered acceptable, so we usually just suck it up and go home to rant on our blogs or to our husbands.

I know no one knows what to say to a dead baby mom. Especially one who has lost more than one baby. So I will give you an idea of what is an acceptable line:

"I'm sorry for your loss" - can't go wrong with this one. Most of the time that's all I really wanted to hear.

"I'm sorry for your loss. It sucks. There's nothing else to say - it just sucks" - this is my favorite, personally. My nurse who checked me into the hospital when I delivered Pepper, said this to us. She was sitting on the coffee table, getting ready to explain our burial options and autopsy stuff and the bereaved parents group the hospital has. And James and I were sitting across from her, on the couch, and I was praying she wouldn't say anything about this being natures way of weeding out a bad egg...And she looked at us and said "I'm sorry - this sucks. That's all. It sucks." And I almost cried from relief b/c it was like someone got it! God bless that wonderful nurse and the two who cared for us the rest of that awful night.

Other helpful things:

"Can I bring you dinner/run your vacuum/do your laundry?" - personally I didn't care the first couple of days if my floor had enough dog hair on it to make another dog, if my clothes were 3 days old and stinky, or if I ever ate again. But the rest of my family wanted dinner and clean underwear. And since one of them is 3 and not terribly useful and one was very busy loving on me, it was nice to have people help out for a couple of days until I felt more like doing things again.

"Can I see pictures of your baby?" - some DBM's don't want to show their pictures. It can be painful and you don't know how people will react. I am very proud of Pepper, but I'm not stupid. She's not plump and rosy and full term. She's a 17wk baby - it's a totally different ball game. And she was perfectly formed, but does not look like a full term baby. And you're terrified someone will say something negative or be offended. I haven't posted the pictures on the blog b/c I know this is a sensitive subject to people and may upset them. And I don't want my baby's picture to cause controversy. So I rarely offer to show the pictures to people. I will show them if asked though.

"I'm here if you need to talk" - But if you say it, please mean it. Don't say it b/c you're "supposed" to. It's ok if you can't handle hearing about my loss. It's a hard thing to deal with and I understand that. But please don't offer your support if you don't mean it. We already feel alone - it hurts even worse when someone who said we could talk to them doesn't really want to hear how we feel.

On the flip side - be understanding if we don't want to talk about our loss - especially right after it happens. I could barely get through the phone calls to tell my family what had happened without falling apart. In fact the first time I miscarried, I made James tell everyone. The second time, I texted the 3 or 4 people who knew. This last time, I made the phone calls while driving b/c having to focus on the road kept me in control.

After I came home from the hospital, I didn't want to be alone, but I didn't really want to talk about things. I just wanted someone to sit with me and let me do my thing. That only lasted about a week and then I was ok with being alone. But at first, I hated being alone. So even just offering to sit with someone is a nice thing.


I know that when people say the "wrong" things they don't mean anything by it. They just don't know any better and I don't hold it against them. But it can be like rubbing salt in a nasty wound - it stings horribly. So this blog post is born from a horribly stinging moment I had at work today.

The thing to remember is - trying to explain my loss or use warm fuzzies - "God needed an angel", "at least you can get pregnant", "you can try again" - isn't helpful. The best thing to say is "I'm sorry, this is horrible, what can I do?" And mean it.

And lots of love to all the fabulous people who have done just that for us. And all the fabulous people who mean well.

funny Corbin

Today, as we were driving to daycare, Corbin said two things that had me rolling.

1. Corbin: "mom I love you"
Me: "I love you too!"
Corbin: "But I love trucks more"

2. "Mom, do you go to work for food?"


And then this gem from Tuesday morning:

Corbin gets out of bed at 6am and announces that he wet the bed. I go to take off his wet jammies and notice they are still warm - as in he had just wet them.

Me:"Corbin, why didn't you get up to go potty?"
Corbin: "Because I wanted to pee in the bed!"
Me: "you were awake when you did this?!??!"
Corbin: "yes"


He cracks me up.

Corbin taught me a very important lesson today

Milk is better when you drink it with a straw.

He was using a bendy straw to drink milk and I let him pick out one for me to use - a green one :)

And it was a lot more fun that way lol.

I love Corbin. He really teaches me to find joy in the simple, silly things.

Such a wonderful blessing.

post #100

My sweet boy fingerpainting

And after. What a blessing he is - even when he's filthy!

well then

I got my blood work back today. Everything looks good. I am having an HSG done next month to check for abnormalities in my uterus. And they lost my thyroid results, so unless they find them, I have to have them redrawn.

The autopsy is back now. Everything was fine with the baby. Cause of death was a cord accident. My OB says I just have bad luck. I don't actually believe in luck, but whatever.


Oh - and it was a GIRL. Looked like a boy to me and James and the nurses, but apparently we were all wrong. So that's made it an interesting day. Her name is Pepper Lynn.

because - when it comes down to it - pictures and short memories are all we have.

http://www.newsweek.com/2009/02/09/a-vast-and-sudden-sadness.html


I was 17wks 3 days when I delivered Andrew and so it was considered a miscarriage and not a stillbirth. After 20wks it is considered a stillbirth. But we were encouraged to take pictures and I have a couple on my phone. The nurses took more for us after they dressed him and took his feet and hand prints.

While I hope no one I know ever has to go through this - if they ever did, I would tell them to take pictures and hold their sweet baby. It's all you have. And you will cherish the time spent - even if it is only a few minutes.

my arms hurt

I only held my baby for a little while. And he was so tiny - .25lbs and i don't know how long. Little. So little. So it seems fairly impossible to say that sometimes my arms literally ache to feel the weight of him again. They just feel so empty - sometimes emptier than the spot in my heart that aches for all my little ones in Heaven. And that's pretty hard to imagine - but there it is. It's not a constant thing - neither is the pain in my heart. But when I see a newborn and know that I'll never know what my baby would have been as a full term healthy happy newborn. Or when I fold all of Corbin's tiny, keepsake clothes into a new spot while organizing his closet. Or sometimes for no reason at all. It just hits out of nowhere and I have to stop and catch my breath - b/c if the arms are aching, the heart isn't too far behind them.

It's amazing how a tiny, .25lb little man can change so much.

then and now

December 23, 2006

July 30, 2010

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and comforts those who are crushed in spirit"

This has been a life verse for me for so many things - boy problems, friend problems, my dad's health problems. When James and I were having issues, when I lost my first and second baby. And now too.

I was thinking, literally the day before I found out Andrew was gone, that God had shown His faithfulness to me over and over again. Even when I was doubting - He was faithful.

I had read in my sisters blog - she was talking about how I had lost two babies and still had faith. And I was thinking - over and over again I had seen God glorified through random, painful events in my life. Some of those things I look back on and laugh at how upset I was at that time. But God worked in me through them, regardless of how stupid. And some of those things - my dad's health, my marriage issues, my babies - have changed me in ways I can't even explain. I have known God's faithfulness and grace and mercy and love so many times in my life. And although there are moments of anger and confusion, I know He is sovereign and has a plan. I know all of these things are somehow making me into the woman He wants me to be. I don't have unshakable faith, but I know God is sovereign and I trust in that. Even in my anger - I come back to that. I couldn't escape it if I tried. It's the truth, you can't run from the truth.

I was listening to the Caedmon's Call song Lead of Love while having these thoughts. And it's true - looking back I do see the lead of love. I've shared that before - when my life was less complicated. But it's true even now - it's been shown over and over.

So the next day we found out Andrew had passed away.

And there was peace.

Everyone we knew was thinking about us. But more than that - lots of people were praying for us. And "the peace that passes all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus". Never have I experienced peace like that. Sure I cried a lot. More in the days after. But there was peace. God was still faithful. My circumstances do not change God's character.

During my first miscarriage - I fell apart. I was a wreck at the hospital. I was a totally different person than I was this time. I grew through that loss and the things that happened afterward.

I approached this time totally differently, but there's no way I did it on my own.

On my own there is no way I could have delivered my dead baby without totally flipping out. I had a brief moment of panic when they told me I was too far along for a surgical delivery. But then I knew I had no choice and I somewhere in my head, started praying for strength. And God provided it.

You know - I spent time at the hospital laughing and joking. This was the hardest thing I had ever done - but I was not going to look back later and only remember tears and a bad attitude. My baby was dead, yes, but the few minutes I would have with it were not going to be ruined by my attitude and actions. I wanted as peaceful of an experience as possible.

By the grace of God, I mostly held it together. Now I cried a few times - but it wasn't out of control or angry. I was sad and scared and everything else most women in that situation were.

But I was strong - or rather God was strong while I was weak. But praise God that his power is made perfect in my weakness. Because it was only Him working in me that allowed me to not fall apart.

There has been anger here - anger at my circumstances, even anger at God. At one point, I looked at James and told him "well God sucks!" This was a day or two after we were home and I was feeling so....lost. The why questions hit - why us? Why now? Why again? The thing is - God can handle my anger and since He knows how I'm feeling anyway - I've found it much better to just tell Him, then to pretend like everything's fine b/t us. Because, I've found, when you're honest with God about your hurt and anger - you don't feel as hurt or as angry. There is healing in an honest conversation with God.

It's not that my faith is strong. It's not. Sometimes I'm barely hanging on. But I serve a God who is strong, I serve a God who understands, and I serve a God who will hold me together when I'm falling apart.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and comforts those who are crushed in spirit"

It's true. Praise Him for His faithfulness.

well that was fun

The blog got a makeover courtesy of www.shabbyblogs.com.

Good times.

10 days later

I did laundry.

I cooked dinner.

I spent the whole day with Corbin and enjoyed him. Really - he's insane.

We booked a cruise. We're going to the Bahamas for 3 nights in October - just me and James. It's something nice to look forward to.

I called a counselor. Actually the same counselor we saw for marriage counseling. She's very nice and I like her. And I need someone one who is not affected by our loss like the family is to talk to. There are a lot of thoughts in my head and a lot of decisions I feel like we need to make. I don't want to make our choices out of fear and grief (b/c I feel A LOT of that at the moment) and I think getting another perspective will help. Plus talking to someone will probably help me heal.

I'm trying to get back to normal.

I'm taking things one day at a time - one minute at a time really. I can be ok one minute and in tears the next. I have a lot of thoughts - I feel like a failure as a mom, a wife, and a woman. I feel like this is my fault. James reassures me every time that this is not true. He's a fabulous support and talking to him really makes me feel better.

I know that someday I will feel better - we'll never forget, but it won't hurt as bad. So I keep on trucking. There's nothing else I can do.

I was reading a random blog about recurrent pregnancy loss. I stumbled on it while I was looking at some information about the 7 million blood tests the doc is doing on me.

Anyway - I guess the writer has had a few first trimester losses and she was blogging about the "two week wait" For those who aren't familiar with trying to conceive lingo, this is the time b/t ovulation and the your (hopefully) positive pregnancy test. Or your period if you're not lucky that cycle. As becoming pregnant isn't the difficult part for us, I haven't really found the two week wait to be that dramatic. I do understand why it is hard for some women. We have been blessed to conceive easily four times now. Our problem is with keeping the babies.

The blogger goes on to talk about how she now has the "three month wait" in addition to the drama of the two week wait. This is the time when she lives in fear that she will miscarry her baby. I will agree that this is a very rough wait. There was such relief for James and I when we hit the 12 week mark, then 13, 14, 15....

Smooth sailing right?

I wish it was that easy.

When I had my first miscarriage I lost the innocence of pregnancy. I realized that this could happen to me - I was not immune to pregnancy loss. When I lost the second, I realized that maybe this whole having another baby wasn't going to be so easy this time.

So of course there was some fear in the first three months of my pregnancy with Andrew. Every day that passed that I didn't miscarry was a blessing. I couldn't take any day, any milestone for granted. It was all a blessing. Sure I complained about morning sickness and exhaustion - what pregnant woman doesn't? Still, I was thankful to be experiencing it - in my mind it meant my baby was growing well.

Anyway - the whole point of this is to say....my wait doesn't stop after two weeks anymore. It doesn't stop after three months. I don't think there will ever be a point in a pregnancy where I will be able to sit back and say "it's all going to be ok from here" Even though I knew before that there was always a chance my pregnancy wasn't going to be ok - it's a reality now.

I told James that I was glad we hadn't made any baby related purchases yet. I was waiting for my anatomy scan on the 30th. I planned to hit the outlets on the 31st and start getting baby clothes and what not. I'm glad I made that choice - it would have been much harder to come home from the hospital and deal with baby clothes and toys. It was hard enough to deal with the maternity clothes. My mother in law folded all of our laundry and put them away for me. I was just gonna leave them laying around - I wasn't really up to dealing with them yet. Anyway - I told him next time, we weren't buying anything until our baby was safe in our arms. I'll wear sweat pants and t shirts the whole pregnancy. We can order the crib and stuff online from the hospital or hit Babies R Us on the way home from the hospital for all of our baby needs.

I'll probably change my mind. I don't regret for a second that I enjoyed the time I was pregnant with Andrew. There were great moments - the positive pregnancy test, two awesome U/S, hearing his little heartbeat on the doppler, feeling the occasional little flutter, picking out baby names, telling James we were pregnant. I wouldn't trade enjoying those moments - I think I would really regret it if I hadn't embraced the pregnancy and made the choice to set aside the fear and hope for the best. It's nice to have those good memories.

I have no idea where I was going with all of this. I started with a point, but now I've lost it lol. I guess the big thing is that I wish it was as a simple as just getting pregnant or just making through the first trimester. The fact is - it's not. It's not that simple for anyone. Every single day that a woman is pregnant is a blessing. Enjoy it.

explaning to a three year old

James had to run a quick errand last night after Corbin went to bed. Well when Corbin heard James leave, he hopped out of bed to see what was going on. He said "where's daddy? I don't want him to leave! I missed you last time!"

So I let him get out of bed, so we could chat for a while. He asked why I was sick and at the doctor. James and I had already decided that we would be honest about everything with him. He knew there was a brother or sister growing in my belly and we decided it would be best to just explain that his baby brother went to Heaven. So I told him, his brother in my belly was in Heaven now. Mama had to go to the doctor so they could make sure she was ok. He asked where Heaven was and I told him it was far away. He asked if it was in outer space and if there was a rocket ship there. I told him I didn't know about the rocket ship. He said that was ok, we could go see the baby tomorrow with a rocket ship.

I'm so blessed to have my sweet little boy. Even in my saddest moments, even having a sad conversation with him, he can always make me smile.

numb

Andrew Patrick Murphy was born at 220 AM today.

I went to the OB with some bleeding yesterday morning. It was very light and I figured it was really nothing. My OB was in surgery, so I went to another practice to see another OB. My OB is the only one in his office, so when he's busy I have to go to another office to see his partners.

Anyway, they were unable to find a heartbeat with the doppler, so they sent me for an US. The tech didn't say two words during the US, so I knew something was wrong. I went back to see the doc and he told me there was no heartbeat. My OB was out of surgery at this point, so I was sent back to his office to find out my options.

Dr. George did an extensive US and it showed that the baby was measuring b/t 15-16wks gestation. I was 17wks 3 days yesterday. We heard a heartbeat at about 15 weeks 3 days. 1/4 of my placenta had detached and they thought that was the cause of death. The OB said it happened shortly after my last appt.

The baby was too big for a D&C, so I was induced at 4pm yesterday.

Like I said, Andrew was born at 220am. We were able to tell he was a boy and we took some pictures and spent some time with him. I do have pictures, but I'm not sure I'm going to post them. Maybe later.

The nurses were wonderful. They sent me home with a box of things - baby bracelet, hand and foot prints, and the clothes the put on him for pictures. For such a horrible situation, they really made it seem not so bad.

Since this is my third loss, the doctors have decided to do some testing on me. They drew 12 tubes of blood yesterday and will draw several more as soon as my HcG levels are down to 0 again. They're doing an autopsy on Andrew to check for chromosomal problems. The cord was wrapped tightly around his leg - cutting down to the bone - so it may have been a cord accident.

We will wait for all the tests to come back before we try to have another baby.

Right now I'm supposed to park my tush on the couch and rest for a few days.

Dear Lobsters....

I'm sorry that you had to die in order for my husband to enjoy your delicious tails. I am, however, quite glad that you were dead long before the Publix fish guy picked you out for me. I'm not sure I could have killed you. I am still slightly disturbed that I had to slit your tails. Again, I'm sorry for your death. Rest in Peace little lobsters...



I made my first lobster meal yesterday.....

I was at work. It was Wednesday. The Publix ad comes out on Wednesday. It's the highlight of the day. I love to see what's on sale.

This week lobster tails are $4.95 each or something like that. Apparently this is a good price for lobster tails. Shrimp is also on sale if anyone is interested. I just bought lobster.

So, for some reason, I get this brilliant idea that I will make my husband some delicious lobster tail for dinner one night. He's a good man. He likes lobster. I should make him some, right?

At 445pm I am killing time at work, talking about food. Food is on my mind almost every day at around this time. It's been a couple hours since lunch and Baby Murphy thinks s/he should eat every couple of hours. So my stomach begins to devour itself around 430pm every day.

Anyway...somehow I decide I should buy a couple lobster tails on the way home from work and cook them. I get to Publix, the guy digs me out a two frozen lobster tails, and he gives me the sale price a day early! This is meant to be. Cooking tails should be easy breezy!

So, I get home, get Corbin and I some supper (I don't care for lobster and I'm not sure if Corbo will either), my lobster tails thaw. I call James to see when he'll be home and tell him what I'm cooking. He's excited of course. I'm feeling like a wonderful wife lol.

And then....

I look at the paper my tails are wrapped in. There are instructions on the paper. The very first line says "split the tail with kitchen shears" Say what? I read it again. I'm clueless. How does one split a lobster tail with kitchen shears? I call my mother in law. She's working and of course can't talk about lobsters. I call my aunt (Nana). Nana knows nothing about lobsters. Papa's just as clueless. But like a good aunt, she stays on the phone with me as I get increasingly weirded out by splitting these poor guys tails.

You know...I'll buy a whole chicken, pull out it's gizzard, and boil it. No problem. Doesn't phase me. I certainly don't feel sorry for the chicken.

I felt sorry for the lobster. It was just it's little tail, but I felt so horribly disturbed. I felt like I was mutilating a lobster. I felt like a lobster murderer.

The lobster came to me dead. I mean really, I didn't even see the lobsters the tails came from. But I felt completely responsible for their deaths.

But I split their little tails. And I boiled my water and put my steaming basket in. And I placed the lobster tails inside and closed the lid. About 6 minutes later, I checked on them. The tails were bright red. Turned off the water. Checked on them again a couple minutes later. My lobster tails were curled into the fetal position.

I was thoroughly disturbed now. I went to talk to James. Told him about my discovery of fetal position lobster tails. He reminds me that the tails were dead and did not curl up that way to escape the pain I inflicted on them.

Back to the kitchen I go. I show Corbin the tails. He's fascinated. Wants to know why they're red now? I have no idea, but I tell him daddy may share a bite with him, if he asks nicely. This distracts him from the mystery of the red tails.

I did not try the tails, but apparently they were awesome. I dumped some lemon herb butter over them and some linguine and called it a night. Corbin tried a bite. He said he didn't like it, but he didn't spit it out and he was smiling while he chewed, so I'm pretty sure he did like it. He wants to go lobster hunting with daddy now lol.

The funny thing is....I feel like I need to cook a whole lobster now. I was scarred for life by the tails, but I want to cook a whole, live lobster. I don't know why. I feel like I haven't completed the lobster cooking challenge yet. Tail murder is not enough. I must murder and mutilate a whole lobster. I think I'll wait until after the baby comes though. I think pregnancy hormones and lobster murder would be a bad combo.

Oh yeah....

While reading the cookbook section on shellfish last night (needed a picture to make sure I was handling tail splitting right) I saw a recipe for fried blue crabs. This sounded like it had potential, so I read through it. Thought I would tackle those next. Then I read the first line. This requires live blue crabs. The book says to run them under cold water so that they are easier to handle. This seems odd to me, but I read on. I'm supposed to grab the crab, stab it in the brain, and cut it's head off!! Yup, fried blue crab is out of the question. Maybe when Corbin is old enough to murder the crabs for me. He may even enjoy it.

I LOOOOVE my husband

At work one day, we were talking about husbands or something....IDK really remember the whole conversation. Anyway, all of the sudden, one of my coworkers puts her finger in the air and says "I loooove my husband" It was pretty funny.


Ok so moving on....

We were in church last Sunday - Father's Day. And of course, b/c it's Father's Day, the sermon is being "directed" at the guys. He was talking about when Adam and Eve sinned in the garden and Adams behavior in that. At one point the pastor says that there are two things he tries to make sure his sons understand about being men. The first is that real men are not passive. The second is that real men take responsibility for their actions.

This is exactly James.

He's so not passive. He's so not passive that sometimes it drives me up a wall. But I know - if I'm doing something wrong, if I'm sinning, if I'm digging my heels in and dragging our family down the wrong way....he absolutely does not let that fly. Like gossiping....as I've said before, I enjoy gossip. If James hears me gossiping, he tells me to stop. If he thinks I'm gossiping - even if really I'm only gossiping a little and mostly I'm just complaining (which is equally bad I guess lol) he tells me to stop. I have some friends who's husbands are either not aware when they are not acting in a Godly manner, or maybe they just don't really care that much. Their husband's are passive when it comes to their wives behaviors. As much as James sometimes drives me crazy, I know that most of the time, he's going to do what is right. And most of the time, he's going to make sure I do what's right as well. And for that, I really am thankful. He's a great leader for our family.

James is also great at taking responsibility when he has done something wrong. When he points out to me that I'm not acting right, I typically get defensive before I say "you're right and I'm sorry." This is something I'm working on, but it's hard. Most of the time, when I point out that he's wrong - he's acting hypocritical or something - he's very quick to say that he is wrong and accept responsibility for his actions. I'm thankful for that to.

James is a great example to Corbin (usually - there are moments when I wonder what or even if he's thinking. Like when he lights paper on fire in the house and things of that nature) I'm so glad Corbin has a great daddy to look up to. I'm so thankful he has a good example of how a man should act - how a man should treat his family, etc. I'm so glad I agreed to marry him :)

10wk 2 day ultrasound picture

Had a surprise U/S on Wednesday. Everything's fine with baby Murphy and me, no worries there.

Here is the picture. Baby is measuring right on track and heart rate is 176. The higher heart rate and all the heartburn I'm having makes me think baby girl with lots of hair lol.

A Little Bit About My Big Boy

Corbin is growing by leaps and bounds. Every single day it's something new :)

Corbin learns a new song at "school" every week. His teacher, Miss Donna, tells James and I that he catches on super quick to the songs. She can't believe how quickly he gets them. And he sings everything. He makes up songs often and sings all the little songs he knows all the time.

Corbin can write some of his letters. A couple weeks ago, he called me into his room, yelling :I wrote an 'A'!!" I had no idea he could write any letters, so I was very surprised to see a nice looking "A" on his dry erase board. He wrote some of the letters on my "Happy Mother's Day" card. Daddy helped with the rest :)

Corbin can count to 15 in Spanish. In English, he can count to 30. Well, he can kind of count to 30. He says "twenty-eight. Twenty-nine. Twenty-ten" It's so cute that I don't even want to correct him!

Lately, Corbin has two questions he asks me every day. The first in the mornings when he asks me "Mom...are you sick today?" Yes - even three year olds are aware of morning sickness. I always tell him "mama doesn't feel good, but she's ok" He says "ok" and goes on about his business.
The second question he asks in the evenings. He lifts up my shirt, pokes my belly, and asks if the baby has come out yet. Three year olds have no concept of time. He has no idea what it means when we tell him the baby won't be here until Christmas time.

Corbin can also put on all of his own clothes and his shoes. He likes to pick his own clothes out and asks us "Am I handsome?" Of course he's always handsome :)

Corbin has a crazy imagination. He plays with his Thomas trains and his cars and acts out some great stories. It's such a joy to listen to him play.

Corbin's latest skill is swimming. He can swim underwater a short distance - with no life jacket! It's pretty impressive!

All in all - Corbin is pretty much the coolest three year old I know. We are SO blessed to be his parents :)

bump bump...bump bump

Well we can't hear it on the Doppler yet, but last Thursday I heard sweet baby Murphy's heart beating away on the Ultrasound. They showed it to me first and I asked how fast it was. So we listened as well. It was a beautiful 146 bpm.

My appointment went great. Loved the OB I saw, loved the office staff. It was a great experience. I'll see all the OBs in the practice, but can choose who does the C-section. My C/S will be sometime b/t 12/11-12/15 and we will schedule the exact date sometime around 28 weeks.

Of course I got a cute little U/S pic. I didn't scan it - I took the pic with the phone and emailed it, so it's a bit fuzzy. I won't be posting U/S pics on Facebook, so if you would like to see them, I'll always put them here.

Ok that out of the way...here is our little bean:

New baby murphy on the way

Yeah most everyone knows from Facebook, but I should probably put it here as well.

Lord willing, we will have a new sweet baby sometime in mid-December. I am actually due around Corbin's 4th birthday, but will have a c-section at around 39 weeks.

Obviously, we are super thrilled. We're also a wee bit nervous. We would definitely appreciate any thoughts and prayers y'all want to throw our way :)

My first appointment - with an ultrasound - is on May 6th. I'll update after that.

wait on the Lord. Be strong, take heart, and wait on the Lord.

I'm going to talk about something I rarely talk about. I'm going to talk about my miscarriages. It's on my heart to share for some reason tonight.

I've had two miscarriages.

Almost everyone knows about the first one. I was just over 10 weeks and everyone knew we were expecting.

The second one was more recent - Feb 2010 - and only a handful of people know about it. I was about 5 weeks.

While the losses were very different physically and some what different emotionally, they were both devastating to me. When I came through on the other side, I had changed and grown as a person. I've learned a lot in the last 18 months and really felt like I wanted to share some of that.

There's a verse in the Bible - it's one we all know:

"For we know that all things work together for good, for them that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose"

There are others as well - verses I've known since I was a baby:

"Commit your plans to the Lord and they shall succeed"

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart"


I struggled with this a lot after my first loss. After my second loss, the answers I thought I found the first time became sealed as truth in my mind and heart.

After my first miscarriage, there was some bitterness there. I love God, I delight in Him, I'm pretty sure my plans are committed to Him. So where was the good for me? What about the desires of my heart?

It hit me one day that I was being pretty "me" centered and not very God centered.

When I was a kid, my mom taught us catechism. One of the very first things I learned was this:

"what is man's chief end?"

Anyone know the answer here? I learned this 20 years ago and to this day when someone asks what our purpose on Earth is, what we're supposed to be living for, this answer goes through my mind....

"Man's chief end is to GLORIFY GOD AND ENJOY HIM FOREVER"

It took me 20 years to connect the dots between all things working together for good, the desires of my heart, my plans succeeding - and the whole reason I was created in the first place.

I am here to bring glory to God. If I'm committed to Him, if I'm delighting in Him, my plans and desires will match up with His. And the good that is promised to me in all things? That is the glory of God, the thing that should be my desire above all else!

Of course, this is a lesson I was taught in church for years. In my head I knew it was truth. But in my heart I just didn't get it. I didn't see how it was lived out in a practical, daily life way. Until my miscarriage.

When I look at the person I was 18 months ago....it was not a good thing. I was grumpy and mean. I lacked motivation. I was a not so good wife. I was a good mama still, but that was all I had going for me.

I'm a much different person now. I'm nice (ask my husband). I try to do the things I know I need to do. I want to keep a clean house and do my best at work and bring glory to God through my daily life.

When I look at where I was even 2 months ago....I've grown since then as well.

God has been glorified through me. I can tell others the many things God has taught me through these experiences and praise Him for the strength He's given me to hold on and the lessons He's taught me.

I've also learned a lot about waiting on the Lord. I am applying it specifically here to wanting another baby, but obviously it could go with any situation. It's very easy to say you want God's will in your life and you want to wait for His timing. It's a bit more difficult to live it out. But when I think about what I really want in my life and in the life of my family, I want God to be glorified. Of course that means waiting for His timing and direction. Again easier said then done, but it's something I am working towards.


I think a lot about the verses in the Bible about waiting on the Lord. And I think about the people in the Bible who did wait on Him. The blessing - whether it's another baby eventually or not - is worth it. And God gives you the strength to wait on Him and to seek Him.

"those who wait upon the Lord will soar like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"

God is good.