I'm going to talk about something I rarely talk about. I'm going to talk about my miscarriages. It's on my heart to share for some reason tonight.
I've had two miscarriages.
Almost everyone knows about the first one. I was just over 10 weeks and everyone knew we were expecting.
The second one was more recent - Feb 2010 - and only a handful of people know about it. I was about 5 weeks.
While the losses were very different physically and some what different emotionally, they were both devastating to me. When I came through on the other side, I had changed and grown as a person. I've learned a lot in the last 18 months and really felt like I wanted to share some of that.
There's a verse in the Bible - it's one we all know:
"For we know that all things work together for good, for them that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose"
There are others as well - verses I've known since I was a baby:
"Commit your plans to the Lord and they shall succeed"
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart"
I struggled with this a lot after my first loss. After my second loss, the answers I thought I found the first time became sealed as truth in my mind and heart.
After my first miscarriage, there was some bitterness there. I love God, I delight in Him, I'm pretty sure my plans are committed to Him. So where was the good for me? What about the desires of my heart?
It hit me one day that I was being pretty "me" centered and not very God centered.
When I was a kid, my mom taught us catechism. One of the very first things I learned was this:
"what is man's chief end?"
Anyone know the answer here? I learned this 20 years ago and to this day when someone asks what our purpose on Earth is, what we're supposed to be living for, this answer goes through my mind....
"Man's chief end is to GLORIFY GOD AND ENJOY HIM FOREVER"
It took me 20 years to connect the dots between all things working together for good, the desires of my heart, my plans succeeding - and the whole reason I was created in the first place.
I am here to bring glory to God. If I'm committed to Him, if I'm delighting in Him, my plans and desires will match up with His. And the good that is promised to me in all things? That is the glory of God, the thing that should be my desire above all else!
Of course, this is a lesson I was taught in church for years. In my head I knew it was truth. But in my heart I just didn't get it. I didn't see how it was lived out in a practical, daily life way. Until my miscarriage.
When I look at the person I was 18 months ago....it was not a good thing. I was grumpy and mean. I lacked motivation. I was a not so good wife. I was a good mama still, but that was all I had going for me.
I'm a much different person now. I'm nice (ask my husband). I try to do the things I know I need to do. I want to keep a clean house and do my best at work and bring glory to God through my daily life.
When I look at where I was even 2 months ago....I've grown since then as well.
God has been glorified through me. I can tell others the many things God has taught me through these experiences and praise Him for the strength He's given me to hold on and the lessons He's taught me.
I've also learned a lot about waiting on the Lord. I am applying it specifically here to wanting another baby, but obviously it could go with any situation. It's very easy to say you want God's will in your life and you want to wait for His timing. It's a bit more difficult to live it out. But when I think about what I really want in my life and in the life of my family, I want God to be glorified. Of course that means waiting for His timing and direction. Again easier said then done, but it's something I am working towards.
I think a lot about the verses in the Bible about waiting on the Lord. And I think about the people in the Bible who did wait on Him. The blessing - whether it's another baby eventually or not - is worth it. And God gives you the strength to wait on Him and to seek Him.
"those who wait upon the Lord will soar like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"
God is good.
I've had two miscarriages.
Almost everyone knows about the first one. I was just over 10 weeks and everyone knew we were expecting.
The second one was more recent - Feb 2010 - and only a handful of people know about it. I was about 5 weeks.
While the losses were very different physically and some what different emotionally, they were both devastating to me. When I came through on the other side, I had changed and grown as a person. I've learned a lot in the last 18 months and really felt like I wanted to share some of that.
There's a verse in the Bible - it's one we all know:
"For we know that all things work together for good, for them that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose"
There are others as well - verses I've known since I was a baby:
"Commit your plans to the Lord and they shall succeed"
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart"
I struggled with this a lot after my first loss. After my second loss, the answers I thought I found the first time became sealed as truth in my mind and heart.
After my first miscarriage, there was some bitterness there. I love God, I delight in Him, I'm pretty sure my plans are committed to Him. So where was the good for me? What about the desires of my heart?
It hit me one day that I was being pretty "me" centered and not very God centered.
When I was a kid, my mom taught us catechism. One of the very first things I learned was this:
"what is man's chief end?"
Anyone know the answer here? I learned this 20 years ago and to this day when someone asks what our purpose on Earth is, what we're supposed to be living for, this answer goes through my mind....
"Man's chief end is to GLORIFY GOD AND ENJOY HIM FOREVER"
It took me 20 years to connect the dots between all things working together for good, the desires of my heart, my plans succeeding - and the whole reason I was created in the first place.
I am here to bring glory to God. If I'm committed to Him, if I'm delighting in Him, my plans and desires will match up with His. And the good that is promised to me in all things? That is the glory of God, the thing that should be my desire above all else!
Of course, this is a lesson I was taught in church for years. In my head I knew it was truth. But in my heart I just didn't get it. I didn't see how it was lived out in a practical, daily life way. Until my miscarriage.
When I look at the person I was 18 months ago....it was not a good thing. I was grumpy and mean. I lacked motivation. I was a not so good wife. I was a good mama still, but that was all I had going for me.
I'm a much different person now. I'm nice (ask my husband). I try to do the things I know I need to do. I want to keep a clean house and do my best at work and bring glory to God through my daily life.
When I look at where I was even 2 months ago....I've grown since then as well.
God has been glorified through me. I can tell others the many things God has taught me through these experiences and praise Him for the strength He's given me to hold on and the lessons He's taught me.
I've also learned a lot about waiting on the Lord. I am applying it specifically here to wanting another baby, but obviously it could go with any situation. It's very easy to say you want God's will in your life and you want to wait for His timing. It's a bit more difficult to live it out. But when I think about what I really want in my life and in the life of my family, I want God to be glorified. Of course that means waiting for His timing and direction. Again easier said then done, but it's something I am working towards.
I think a lot about the verses in the Bible about waiting on the Lord. And I think about the people in the Bible who did wait on Him. The blessing - whether it's another baby eventually or not - is worth it. And God gives you the strength to wait on Him and to seek Him.
"those who wait upon the Lord will soar like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"
God is good.
2 comments:
I dont think you could have said it more perfectly! These are trials we have to go through I guess and figure out on our own. Everytime someone said "it wasnt in Gods timing" after our miscarriage I wanted to reach out and smack them, even though I knew it was true. Its a hard lesson and one that doesnt come easy. LOVE YA!
Glad you have shared this, it really helps reading some of the things I think. Hoping to hold babies in both of futures sooner than later.
-h
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