James 1:2-4

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

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This is one of my favorite scriptures. It's underlined, highlighted, starred,etc in my Bible.
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I heard some news today that is actually wonderful news for a sweet family member. But it made me a bit sad as well. News that someone is expecting again is proving to be a thing that causes mixed emotions in me more often than not anymore. While I am always thrilled that someone is being blessed with a new baby, it is a painful reminder of what I lost and the fact that maybe God is closing the door of a second child for us. So it can sting a little. And in the moment that I heard my family member's wonderful news, there was a small part of my heart that hurt for a minute. Perhaps that makes me a horrible, selfish person? I honestly don't know. But it is what it is and while I am seeking to be content in circumstance I don't like, there are moments where it is hard.

All of that said....as I'm standing in my kitchen, pulling apart a VERY hot whole chicken for chicken soup (which is amazing soup by the way!) - I'm having my difficult moment. The good thing is I could take out my emotions on poor mister chicken. That was a nice touch lol. But I'm thinking and that verse pops in to my head. And then I'm thinking..."well that's special and all, but surely not applicable to my situation"

About 20 seconds later I realize it is applicable to my situation. See the God I serve knows all. And knew what trials I was going to go through a long time before I did - since the beginning of time last I checked lol. And I can't pick and choose what situations in my life scripture is applicable to. My situations do not change God's word. Somehow, even in a really bad situation - a painful situation - I am to count it all as joy b/c God is being and will be glorified through this. And it's really really hard. I'm learning a little more each day exactly how much I have to rely on His strength to do what is right in my life. Because left to my own, I would be a rather pitiful mess. By the grace of God, I am not - but I'm still a struggling person more often than not.

We have been talking church about making the choice to follow God. This morning we specifically talked about following God when His plans are different than ours are. I really don't remember a lot of what the pastor said...I was having my own little chat with God. But what I got out of church this morning is basically this...I can't change God's plan. His will is going to happen no matter what I do. But I can control how I react to it. When you serve a sovereign God, you know He could have stopped your tragedy. Maybe He didn't cause it, but He did allow it to happen. And you're left with the question of "why?" Why didn't He stop it if He could have? What is the reason for His actions (or lack thereof) in this situation? And you have a choice...You can choose to walk away b/c it hurts too much and you don't want to serve a God who didn't intervene in your personal tragedy. Or you can choose to continue to follow God, knowing that somewhere in someway good will come, God's will will be done, and He is faithful and sovereign in all things.

I can tell you honestly that some days it seems like it would be easier to just walk away from it. But in my heart, I know the truth, I know the God I serve, and I know that I can't just walk away. There is too much at stake to give it all up. So by the grace and strength of God, I keep on holding on. I may falter and cry and have a bad day. But that's the beautiful thing about God's grace and strength. It's abundant. It never runs out. And even in the moments when I'm taking my feelings out on an innocent dead whole chicken and feeling anger, and sorrow, and disappointment, and pain....if I lean on Him, put my trust in Him, and follow Him, somehow I will get through it all.