I was reading a random blog about recurrent pregnancy loss. I stumbled on it while I was looking at some information about the 7 million blood tests the doc is doing on me.

Anyway - I guess the writer has had a few first trimester losses and she was blogging about the "two week wait" For those who aren't familiar with trying to conceive lingo, this is the time b/t ovulation and the your (hopefully) positive pregnancy test. Or your period if you're not lucky that cycle. As becoming pregnant isn't the difficult part for us, I haven't really found the two week wait to be that dramatic. I do understand why it is hard for some women. We have been blessed to conceive easily four times now. Our problem is with keeping the babies.

The blogger goes on to talk about how she now has the "three month wait" in addition to the drama of the two week wait. This is the time when she lives in fear that she will miscarry her baby. I will agree that this is a very rough wait. There was such relief for James and I when we hit the 12 week mark, then 13, 14, 15....

Smooth sailing right?

I wish it was that easy.

When I had my first miscarriage I lost the innocence of pregnancy. I realized that this could happen to me - I was not immune to pregnancy loss. When I lost the second, I realized that maybe this whole having another baby wasn't going to be so easy this time.

So of course there was some fear in the first three months of my pregnancy with Andrew. Every day that passed that I didn't miscarry was a blessing. I couldn't take any day, any milestone for granted. It was all a blessing. Sure I complained about morning sickness and exhaustion - what pregnant woman doesn't? Still, I was thankful to be experiencing it - in my mind it meant my baby was growing well.

Anyway - the whole point of this is to say....my wait doesn't stop after two weeks anymore. It doesn't stop after three months. I don't think there will ever be a point in a pregnancy where I will be able to sit back and say "it's all going to be ok from here" Even though I knew before that there was always a chance my pregnancy wasn't going to be ok - it's a reality now.

I told James that I was glad we hadn't made any baby related purchases yet. I was waiting for my anatomy scan on the 30th. I planned to hit the outlets on the 31st and start getting baby clothes and what not. I'm glad I made that choice - it would have been much harder to come home from the hospital and deal with baby clothes and toys. It was hard enough to deal with the maternity clothes. My mother in law folded all of our laundry and put them away for me. I was just gonna leave them laying around - I wasn't really up to dealing with them yet. Anyway - I told him next time, we weren't buying anything until our baby was safe in our arms. I'll wear sweat pants and t shirts the whole pregnancy. We can order the crib and stuff online from the hospital or hit Babies R Us on the way home from the hospital for all of our baby needs.

I'll probably change my mind. I don't regret for a second that I enjoyed the time I was pregnant with Andrew. There were great moments - the positive pregnancy test, two awesome U/S, hearing his little heartbeat on the doppler, feeling the occasional little flutter, picking out baby names, telling James we were pregnant. I wouldn't trade enjoying those moments - I think I would really regret it if I hadn't embraced the pregnancy and made the choice to set aside the fear and hope for the best. It's nice to have those good memories.

I have no idea where I was going with all of this. I started with a point, but now I've lost it lol. I guess the big thing is that I wish it was as a simple as just getting pregnant or just making through the first trimester. The fact is - it's not. It's not that simple for anyone. Every single day that a woman is pregnant is a blessing. Enjoy it.