Today was my due date. I was going to VBAC (vaginal birth after a c-section) so really there's no way of knowing whether or not Pepper would have arrived today - probably not lol. But when you find out you're pregnant, you begin to focus on that date - 36 weeks or so in the future - that is approximate time of your baby's arrival. Ask any pregnant woman - the estimated due date is a big deal. We all know baby could arrive two weeks on either side of that day, but it doesn't matter. The due date is important!
So anyway....when you lose a pregnancy, your due date becomes a not so happy reminder of what was supposed to happen and what actually happened instead. This is the third time I've hit a due date for a dead baby. It doesn't get easier. It gets different. I know what to expect of my emotions this time. I know only one or two people will remember and that won't get to me as much as it did the first time. But I think I'm more frustrated this time. I'm ready for my take home baby...and this is just another reminder that I don't have that yet. It's another reminder that I have no choice but to wait.
I'm not a patient person. And I have had more than one "why her and not me??" moments when I see pregnant women out and about. But my husband said it well the other night "There is something God wants that woman to learn and experience by having a baby right now and there is something He wants you to learn by not having one. We have to trust that He knows what He's doing" And I know James is right about that. So I wait. I know when it is our turn - when I see how God was working - it will be worth the wait. It doesn't take away the pain and grief, but it makes it easier to deal with somehow.
4 comments:
Hugs Ruthie. Praying for you.
Thinking of you all today!
-h
Thoughts headed your way! I know the wait is awful. Praying for your family as it grows
I love you, praying for you.
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