December 23, 2006
July 30, 2010
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and comforts those who are crushed in spirit"
This has been a life verse for me for so many things - boy problems, friend problems, my dad's health problems. When James and I were having issues, when I lost my first and second baby. And now too.
I was thinking, literally the day before I found out Andrew was gone, that God had shown His faithfulness to me over and over again. Even when I was doubting - He was faithful.
I had read in my sisters blog - she was talking about how I had lost two babies and still had faith. And I was thinking - over and over again I had seen God glorified through random, painful events in my life. Some of those things I look back on and laugh at how upset I was at that time. But God worked in me through them, regardless of how stupid. And some of those things - my dad's health, my marriage issues, my babies - have changed me in ways I can't even explain. I have known God's faithfulness and grace and mercy and love so many times in my life. And although there are moments of anger and confusion, I know He is sovereign and has a plan. I know all of these things are somehow making me into the woman He wants me to be. I don't have unshakable faith, but I know God is sovereign and I trust in that. Even in my anger - I come back to that. I couldn't escape it if I tried. It's the truth, you can't run from the truth.
I was listening to the Caedmon's Call song Lead of Love while having these thoughts. And it's true - looking back I do see the lead of love. I've shared that before - when my life was less complicated. But it's true even now - it's been shown over and over.
So the next day we found out Andrew had passed away.
And there was peace.
Everyone we knew was thinking about us. But more than that - lots of people were praying for us. And "the peace that passes all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus". Never have I experienced peace like that. Sure I cried a lot. More in the days after. But there was peace. God was still faithful. My circumstances do not change God's character.
During my first miscarriage - I fell apart. I was a wreck at the hospital. I was a totally different person than I was this time. I grew through that loss and the things that happened afterward.
I approached this time totally differently, but there's no way I did it on my own.
On my own there is no way I could have delivered my dead baby without totally flipping out. I had a brief moment of panic when they told me I was too far along for a surgical delivery. But then I knew I had no choice and I somewhere in my head, started praying for strength. And God provided it.
You know - I spent time at the hospital laughing and joking. This was the hardest thing I had ever done - but I was not going to look back later and only remember tears and a bad attitude. My baby was dead, yes, but the few minutes I would have with it were not going to be ruined by my attitude and actions. I wanted as peaceful of an experience as possible.
By the grace of God, I mostly held it together. Now I cried a few times - but it wasn't out of control or angry. I was sad and scared and everything else most women in that situation were.
But I was strong - or rather God was strong while I was weak. But praise God that his power is made perfect in my weakness. Because it was only Him working in me that allowed me to not fall apart.
There has been anger here - anger at my circumstances, even anger at God. At one point, I looked at James and told him "well God sucks!" This was a day or two after we were home and I was feeling so....lost. The why questions hit - why us? Why now? Why again? The thing is - God can handle my anger and since He knows how I'm feeling anyway - I've found it much better to just tell Him, then to pretend like everything's fine b/t us. Because, I've found, when you're honest with God about your hurt and anger - you don't feel as hurt or as angry. There is healing in an honest conversation with God.
It's not that my faith is strong. It's not. Sometimes I'm barely hanging on. But I serve a God who is strong, I serve a God who understands, and I serve a God who will hold me together when I'm falling apart.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and comforts those who are crushed in spirit"
It's true. Praise Him for His faithfulness.
This has been a life verse for me for so many things - boy problems, friend problems, my dad's health problems. When James and I were having issues, when I lost my first and second baby. And now too.
I was thinking, literally the day before I found out Andrew was gone, that God had shown His faithfulness to me over and over again. Even when I was doubting - He was faithful.
I had read in my sisters blog - she was talking about how I had lost two babies and still had faith. And I was thinking - over and over again I had seen God glorified through random, painful events in my life. Some of those things I look back on and laugh at how upset I was at that time. But God worked in me through them, regardless of how stupid. And some of those things - my dad's health, my marriage issues, my babies - have changed me in ways I can't even explain. I have known God's faithfulness and grace and mercy and love so many times in my life. And although there are moments of anger and confusion, I know He is sovereign and has a plan. I know all of these things are somehow making me into the woman He wants me to be. I don't have unshakable faith, but I know God is sovereign and I trust in that. Even in my anger - I come back to that. I couldn't escape it if I tried. It's the truth, you can't run from the truth.
I was listening to the Caedmon's Call song Lead of Love while having these thoughts. And it's true - looking back I do see the lead of love. I've shared that before - when my life was less complicated. But it's true even now - it's been shown over and over.
So the next day we found out Andrew had passed away.
And there was peace.
Everyone we knew was thinking about us. But more than that - lots of people were praying for us. And "the peace that passes all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus". Never have I experienced peace like that. Sure I cried a lot. More in the days after. But there was peace. God was still faithful. My circumstances do not change God's character.
During my first miscarriage - I fell apart. I was a wreck at the hospital. I was a totally different person than I was this time. I grew through that loss and the things that happened afterward.
I approached this time totally differently, but there's no way I did it on my own.
On my own there is no way I could have delivered my dead baby without totally flipping out. I had a brief moment of panic when they told me I was too far along for a surgical delivery. But then I knew I had no choice and I somewhere in my head, started praying for strength. And God provided it.
You know - I spent time at the hospital laughing and joking. This was the hardest thing I had ever done - but I was not going to look back later and only remember tears and a bad attitude. My baby was dead, yes, but the few minutes I would have with it were not going to be ruined by my attitude and actions. I wanted as peaceful of an experience as possible.
By the grace of God, I mostly held it together. Now I cried a few times - but it wasn't out of control or angry. I was sad and scared and everything else most women in that situation were.
But I was strong - or rather God was strong while I was weak. But praise God that his power is made perfect in my weakness. Because it was only Him working in me that allowed me to not fall apart.
There has been anger here - anger at my circumstances, even anger at God. At one point, I looked at James and told him "well God sucks!" This was a day or two after we were home and I was feeling so....lost. The why questions hit - why us? Why now? Why again? The thing is - God can handle my anger and since He knows how I'm feeling anyway - I've found it much better to just tell Him, then to pretend like everything's fine b/t us. Because, I've found, when you're honest with God about your hurt and anger - you don't feel as hurt or as angry. There is healing in an honest conversation with God.
It's not that my faith is strong. It's not. Sometimes I'm barely hanging on. But I serve a God who is strong, I serve a God who understands, and I serve a God who will hold me together when I'm falling apart.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and comforts those who are crushed in spirit"
It's true. Praise Him for His faithfulness.
Monday, July 26, 2010
10 days later
I did laundry.
I cooked dinner.
I spent the whole day with Corbin and enjoyed him. Really - he's insane.
We booked a cruise. We're going to the Bahamas for 3 nights in October - just me and James. It's something nice to look forward to.
I called a counselor. Actually the same counselor we saw for marriage counseling. She's very nice and I like her. And I need someone one who is not affected by our loss like the family is to talk to. There are a lot of thoughts in my head and a lot of decisions I feel like we need to make. I don't want to make our choices out of fear and grief (b/c I feel A LOT of that at the moment) and I think getting another perspective will help. Plus talking to someone will probably help me heal.
I'm trying to get back to normal.
I'm taking things one day at a time - one minute at a time really. I can be ok one minute and in tears the next. I have a lot of thoughts - I feel like a failure as a mom, a wife, and a woman. I feel like this is my fault. James reassures me every time that this is not true. He's a fabulous support and talking to him really makes me feel better.
I know that someday I will feel better - we'll never forget, but it won't hurt as bad. So I keep on trucking. There's nothing else I can do.
I cooked dinner.
I spent the whole day with Corbin and enjoyed him. Really - he's insane.
We booked a cruise. We're going to the Bahamas for 3 nights in October - just me and James. It's something nice to look forward to.
I called a counselor. Actually the same counselor we saw for marriage counseling. She's very nice and I like her. And I need someone one who is not affected by our loss like the family is to talk to. There are a lot of thoughts in my head and a lot of decisions I feel like we need to make. I don't want to make our choices out of fear and grief (b/c I feel A LOT of that at the moment) and I think getting another perspective will help. Plus talking to someone will probably help me heal.
I'm trying to get back to normal.
I'm taking things one day at a time - one minute at a time really. I can be ok one minute and in tears the next. I have a lot of thoughts - I feel like a failure as a mom, a wife, and a woman. I feel like this is my fault. James reassures me every time that this is not true. He's a fabulous support and talking to him really makes me feel better.
I know that someday I will feel better - we'll never forget, but it won't hurt as bad. So I keep on trucking. There's nothing else I can do.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I was reading a random blog about recurrent pregnancy loss. I stumbled on it while I was looking at some information about the 7 million blood tests the doc is doing on me.
Anyway - I guess the writer has had a few first trimester losses and she was blogging about the "two week wait" For those who aren't familiar with trying to conceive lingo, this is the time b/t ovulation and the your (hopefully) positive pregnancy test. Or your period if you're not lucky that cycle. As becoming pregnant isn't the difficult part for us, I haven't really found the two week wait to be that dramatic. I do understand why it is hard for some women. We have been blessed to conceive easily four times now. Our problem is with keeping the babies.
The blogger goes on to talk about how she now has the "three month wait" in addition to the drama of the two week wait. This is the time when she lives in fear that she will miscarry her baby. I will agree that this is a very rough wait. There was such relief for James and I when we hit the 12 week mark, then 13, 14, 15....
Smooth sailing right?
I wish it was that easy.
When I had my first miscarriage I lost the innocence of pregnancy. I realized that this could happen to me - I was not immune to pregnancy loss. When I lost the second, I realized that maybe this whole having another baby wasn't going to be so easy this time.
So of course there was some fear in the first three months of my pregnancy with Andrew. Every day that passed that I didn't miscarry was a blessing. I couldn't take any day, any milestone for granted. It was all a blessing. Sure I complained about morning sickness and exhaustion - what pregnant woman doesn't? Still, I was thankful to be experiencing it - in my mind it meant my baby was growing well.
Anyway - the whole point of this is to say....my wait doesn't stop after two weeks anymore. It doesn't stop after three months. I don't think there will ever be a point in a pregnancy where I will be able to sit back and say "it's all going to be ok from here" Even though I knew before that there was always a chance my pregnancy wasn't going to be ok - it's a reality now.
I told James that I was glad we hadn't made any baby related purchases yet. I was waiting for my anatomy scan on the 30th. I planned to hit the outlets on the 31st and start getting baby clothes and what not. I'm glad I made that choice - it would have been much harder to come home from the hospital and deal with baby clothes and toys. It was hard enough to deal with the maternity clothes. My mother in law folded all of our laundry and put them away for me. I was just gonna leave them laying around - I wasn't really up to dealing with them yet. Anyway - I told him next time, we weren't buying anything until our baby was safe in our arms. I'll wear sweat pants and t shirts the whole pregnancy. We can order the crib and stuff online from the hospital or hit Babies R Us on the way home from the hospital for all of our baby needs.
I'll probably change my mind. I don't regret for a second that I enjoyed the time I was pregnant with Andrew. There were great moments - the positive pregnancy test, two awesome U/S, hearing his little heartbeat on the doppler, feeling the occasional little flutter, picking out baby names, telling James we were pregnant. I wouldn't trade enjoying those moments - I think I would really regret it if I hadn't embraced the pregnancy and made the choice to set aside the fear and hope for the best. It's nice to have those good memories.
I have no idea where I was going with all of this. I started with a point, but now I've lost it lol. I guess the big thing is that I wish it was as a simple as just getting pregnant or just making through the first trimester. The fact is - it's not. It's not that simple for anyone. Every single day that a woman is pregnant is a blessing. Enjoy it.
Anyway - I guess the writer has had a few first trimester losses and she was blogging about the "two week wait" For those who aren't familiar with trying to conceive lingo, this is the time b/t ovulation and the your (hopefully) positive pregnancy test. Or your period if you're not lucky that cycle. As becoming pregnant isn't the difficult part for us, I haven't really found the two week wait to be that dramatic. I do understand why it is hard for some women. We have been blessed to conceive easily four times now. Our problem is with keeping the babies.
The blogger goes on to talk about how she now has the "three month wait" in addition to the drama of the two week wait. This is the time when she lives in fear that she will miscarry her baby. I will agree that this is a very rough wait. There was such relief for James and I when we hit the 12 week mark, then 13, 14, 15....
Smooth sailing right?
I wish it was that easy.
When I had my first miscarriage I lost the innocence of pregnancy. I realized that this could happen to me - I was not immune to pregnancy loss. When I lost the second, I realized that maybe this whole having another baby wasn't going to be so easy this time.
So of course there was some fear in the first three months of my pregnancy with Andrew. Every day that passed that I didn't miscarry was a blessing. I couldn't take any day, any milestone for granted. It was all a blessing. Sure I complained about morning sickness and exhaustion - what pregnant woman doesn't? Still, I was thankful to be experiencing it - in my mind it meant my baby was growing well.
Anyway - the whole point of this is to say....my wait doesn't stop after two weeks anymore. It doesn't stop after three months. I don't think there will ever be a point in a pregnancy where I will be able to sit back and say "it's all going to be ok from here" Even though I knew before that there was always a chance my pregnancy wasn't going to be ok - it's a reality now.
I told James that I was glad we hadn't made any baby related purchases yet. I was waiting for my anatomy scan on the 30th. I planned to hit the outlets on the 31st and start getting baby clothes and what not. I'm glad I made that choice - it would have been much harder to come home from the hospital and deal with baby clothes and toys. It was hard enough to deal with the maternity clothes. My mother in law folded all of our laundry and put them away for me. I was just gonna leave them laying around - I wasn't really up to dealing with them yet. Anyway - I told him next time, we weren't buying anything until our baby was safe in our arms. I'll wear sweat pants and t shirts the whole pregnancy. We can order the crib and stuff online from the hospital or hit Babies R Us on the way home from the hospital for all of our baby needs.
I'll probably change my mind. I don't regret for a second that I enjoyed the time I was pregnant with Andrew. There were great moments - the positive pregnancy test, two awesome U/S, hearing his little heartbeat on the doppler, feeling the occasional little flutter, picking out baby names, telling James we were pregnant. I wouldn't trade enjoying those moments - I think I would really regret it if I hadn't embraced the pregnancy and made the choice to set aside the fear and hope for the best. It's nice to have those good memories.
I have no idea where I was going with all of this. I started with a point, but now I've lost it lol. I guess the big thing is that I wish it was as a simple as just getting pregnant or just making through the first trimester. The fact is - it's not. It's not that simple for anyone. Every single day that a woman is pregnant is a blessing. Enjoy it.
Friday, July 16, 2010
explaning to a three year old
James had to run a quick errand last night after Corbin went to bed. Well when Corbin heard James leave, he hopped out of bed to see what was going on. He said "where's daddy? I don't want him to leave! I missed you last time!"
So I let him get out of bed, so we could chat for a while. He asked why I was sick and at the doctor. James and I had already decided that we would be honest about everything with him. He knew there was a brother or sister growing in my belly and we decided it would be best to just explain that his baby brother went to Heaven. So I told him, his brother in my belly was in Heaven now. Mama had to go to the doctor so they could make sure she was ok. He asked where Heaven was and I told him it was far away. He asked if it was in outer space and if there was a rocket ship there. I told him I didn't know about the rocket ship. He said that was ok, we could go see the baby tomorrow with a rocket ship.
I'm so blessed to have my sweet little boy. Even in my saddest moments, even having a sad conversation with him, he can always make me smile.
So I let him get out of bed, so we could chat for a while. He asked why I was sick and at the doctor. James and I had already decided that we would be honest about everything with him. He knew there was a brother or sister growing in my belly and we decided it would be best to just explain that his baby brother went to Heaven. So I told him, his brother in my belly was in Heaven now. Mama had to go to the doctor so they could make sure she was ok. He asked where Heaven was and I told him it was far away. He asked if it was in outer space and if there was a rocket ship there. I told him I didn't know about the rocket ship. He said that was ok, we could go see the baby tomorrow with a rocket ship.
I'm so blessed to have my sweet little boy. Even in my saddest moments, even having a sad conversation with him, he can always make me smile.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
numb
Andrew Patrick Murphy was born at 220 AM today.
I went to the OB with some bleeding yesterday morning. It was very light and I figured it was really nothing. My OB was in surgery, so I went to another practice to see another OB. My OB is the only one in his office, so when he's busy I have to go to another office to see his partners.
Anyway, they were unable to find a heartbeat with the doppler, so they sent me for an US. The tech didn't say two words during the US, so I knew something was wrong. I went back to see the doc and he told me there was no heartbeat. My OB was out of surgery at this point, so I was sent back to his office to find out my options.
Dr. George did an extensive US and it showed that the baby was measuring b/t 15-16wks gestation. I was 17wks 3 days yesterday. We heard a heartbeat at about 15 weeks 3 days. 1/4 of my placenta had detached and they thought that was the cause of death. The OB said it happened shortly after my last appt.
The baby was too big for a D&C, so I was induced at 4pm yesterday.
Like I said, Andrew was born at 220am. We were able to tell he was a boy and we took some pictures and spent some time with him. I do have pictures, but I'm not sure I'm going to post them. Maybe later.
The nurses were wonderful. They sent me home with a box of things - baby bracelet, hand and foot prints, and the clothes the put on him for pictures. For such a horrible situation, they really made it seem not so bad.
Since this is my third loss, the doctors have decided to do some testing on me. They drew 12 tubes of blood yesterday and will draw several more as soon as my HcG levels are down to 0 again. They're doing an autopsy on Andrew to check for chromosomal problems. The cord was wrapped tightly around his leg - cutting down to the bone - so it may have been a cord accident.
We will wait for all the tests to come back before we try to have another baby.
Right now I'm supposed to park my tush on the couch and rest for a few days.
I went to the OB with some bleeding yesterday morning. It was very light and I figured it was really nothing. My OB was in surgery, so I went to another practice to see another OB. My OB is the only one in his office, so when he's busy I have to go to another office to see his partners.
Anyway, they were unable to find a heartbeat with the doppler, so they sent me for an US. The tech didn't say two words during the US, so I knew something was wrong. I went back to see the doc and he told me there was no heartbeat. My OB was out of surgery at this point, so I was sent back to his office to find out my options.
Dr. George did an extensive US and it showed that the baby was measuring b/t 15-16wks gestation. I was 17wks 3 days yesterday. We heard a heartbeat at about 15 weeks 3 days. 1/4 of my placenta had detached and they thought that was the cause of death. The OB said it happened shortly after my last appt.
The baby was too big for a D&C, so I was induced at 4pm yesterday.
Like I said, Andrew was born at 220am. We were able to tell he was a boy and we took some pictures and spent some time with him. I do have pictures, but I'm not sure I'm going to post them. Maybe later.
The nurses were wonderful. They sent me home with a box of things - baby bracelet, hand and foot prints, and the clothes the put on him for pictures. For such a horrible situation, they really made it seem not so bad.
Since this is my third loss, the doctors have decided to do some testing on me. They drew 12 tubes of blood yesterday and will draw several more as soon as my HcG levels are down to 0 again. They're doing an autopsy on Andrew to check for chromosomal problems. The cord was wrapped tightly around his leg - cutting down to the bone - so it may have been a cord accident.
We will wait for all the tests to come back before we try to have another baby.
Right now I'm supposed to park my tush on the couch and rest for a few days.
Thursday, July 08, 2010
Dear Lobsters....
I'm sorry that you had to die in order for my husband to enjoy your delicious tails. I am, however, quite glad that you were dead long before the Publix fish guy picked you out for me. I'm not sure I could have killed you. I am still slightly disturbed that I had to slit your tails. Again, I'm sorry for your death. Rest in Peace little lobsters...
I made my first lobster meal yesterday.....
I was at work. It was Wednesday. The Publix ad comes out on Wednesday. It's the highlight of the day. I love to see what's on sale.
This week lobster tails are $4.95 each or something like that. Apparently this is a good price for lobster tails. Shrimp is also on sale if anyone is interested. I just bought lobster.
So, for some reason, I get this brilliant idea that I will make my husband some delicious lobster tail for dinner one night. He's a good man. He likes lobster. I should make him some, right?
At 445pm I am killing time at work, talking about food. Food is on my mind almost every day at around this time. It's been a couple hours since lunch and Baby Murphy thinks s/he should eat every couple of hours. So my stomach begins to devour itself around 430pm every day.
Anyway...somehow I decide I should buy a couple lobster tails on the way home from work and cook them. I get to Publix, the guy digs me out a two frozen lobster tails, and he gives me the sale price a day early! This is meant to be. Cooking tails should be easy breezy!
So, I get home, get Corbin and I some supper (I don't care for lobster and I'm not sure if Corbo will either), my lobster tails thaw. I call James to see when he'll be home and tell him what I'm cooking. He's excited of course. I'm feeling like a wonderful wife lol.
And then....
I look at the paper my tails are wrapped in. There are instructions on the paper. The very first line says "split the tail with kitchen shears" Say what? I read it again. I'm clueless. How does one split a lobster tail with kitchen shears? I call my mother in law. She's working and of course can't talk about lobsters. I call my aunt (Nana). Nana knows nothing about lobsters. Papa's just as clueless. But like a good aunt, she stays on the phone with me as I get increasingly weirded out by splitting these poor guys tails.
You know...I'll buy a whole chicken, pull out it's gizzard, and boil it. No problem. Doesn't phase me. I certainly don't feel sorry for the chicken.
I felt sorry for the lobster. It was just it's little tail, but I felt so horribly disturbed. I felt like I was mutilating a lobster. I felt like a lobster murderer.
The lobster came to me dead. I mean really, I didn't even see the lobsters the tails came from. But I felt completely responsible for their deaths.
But I split their little tails. And I boiled my water and put my steaming basket in. And I placed the lobster tails inside and closed the lid. About 6 minutes later, I checked on them. The tails were bright red. Turned off the water. Checked on them again a couple minutes later. My lobster tails were curled into the fetal position.
I was thoroughly disturbed now. I went to talk to James. Told him about my discovery of fetal position lobster tails. He reminds me that the tails were dead and did not curl up that way to escape the pain I inflicted on them.
Back to the kitchen I go. I show Corbin the tails. He's fascinated. Wants to know why they're red now? I have no idea, but I tell him daddy may share a bite with him, if he asks nicely. This distracts him from the mystery of the red tails.
I did not try the tails, but apparently they were awesome. I dumped some lemon herb butter over them and some linguine and called it a night. Corbin tried a bite. He said he didn't like it, but he didn't spit it out and he was smiling while he chewed, so I'm pretty sure he did like it. He wants to go lobster hunting with daddy now lol.
The funny thing is....I feel like I need to cook a whole lobster now. I was scarred for life by the tails, but I want to cook a whole, live lobster. I don't know why. I feel like I haven't completed the lobster cooking challenge yet. Tail murder is not enough. I must murder and mutilate a whole lobster. I think I'll wait until after the baby comes though. I think pregnancy hormones and lobster murder would be a bad combo.
Oh yeah....
While reading the cookbook section on shellfish last night (needed a picture to make sure I was handling tail splitting right) I saw a recipe for fried blue crabs. This sounded like it had potential, so I read through it. Thought I would tackle those next. Then I read the first line. This requires live blue crabs. The book says to run them under cold water so that they are easier to handle. This seems odd to me, but I read on. I'm supposed to grab the crab, stab it in the brain, and cut it's head off!! Yup, fried blue crab is out of the question. Maybe when Corbin is old enough to murder the crabs for me. He may even enjoy it.
I made my first lobster meal yesterday.....
I was at work. It was Wednesday. The Publix ad comes out on Wednesday. It's the highlight of the day. I love to see what's on sale.
This week lobster tails are $4.95 each or something like that. Apparently this is a good price for lobster tails. Shrimp is also on sale if anyone is interested. I just bought lobster.
So, for some reason, I get this brilliant idea that I will make my husband some delicious lobster tail for dinner one night. He's a good man. He likes lobster. I should make him some, right?
At 445pm I am killing time at work, talking about food. Food is on my mind almost every day at around this time. It's been a couple hours since lunch and Baby Murphy thinks s/he should eat every couple of hours. So my stomach begins to devour itself around 430pm every day.
Anyway...somehow I decide I should buy a couple lobster tails on the way home from work and cook them. I get to Publix, the guy digs me out a two frozen lobster tails, and he gives me the sale price a day early! This is meant to be. Cooking tails should be easy breezy!
So, I get home, get Corbin and I some supper (I don't care for lobster and I'm not sure if Corbo will either), my lobster tails thaw. I call James to see when he'll be home and tell him what I'm cooking. He's excited of course. I'm feeling like a wonderful wife lol.
And then....
I look at the paper my tails are wrapped in. There are instructions on the paper. The very first line says "split the tail with kitchen shears" Say what? I read it again. I'm clueless. How does one split a lobster tail with kitchen shears? I call my mother in law. She's working and of course can't talk about lobsters. I call my aunt (Nana). Nana knows nothing about lobsters. Papa's just as clueless. But like a good aunt, she stays on the phone with me as I get increasingly weirded out by splitting these poor guys tails.
You know...I'll buy a whole chicken, pull out it's gizzard, and boil it. No problem. Doesn't phase me. I certainly don't feel sorry for the chicken.
I felt sorry for the lobster. It was just it's little tail, but I felt so horribly disturbed. I felt like I was mutilating a lobster. I felt like a lobster murderer.
The lobster came to me dead. I mean really, I didn't even see the lobsters the tails came from. But I felt completely responsible for their deaths.
But I split their little tails. And I boiled my water and put my steaming basket in. And I placed the lobster tails inside and closed the lid. About 6 minutes later, I checked on them. The tails were bright red. Turned off the water. Checked on them again a couple minutes later. My lobster tails were curled into the fetal position.
I was thoroughly disturbed now. I went to talk to James. Told him about my discovery of fetal position lobster tails. He reminds me that the tails were dead and did not curl up that way to escape the pain I inflicted on them.
Back to the kitchen I go. I show Corbin the tails. He's fascinated. Wants to know why they're red now? I have no idea, but I tell him daddy may share a bite with him, if he asks nicely. This distracts him from the mystery of the red tails.
I did not try the tails, but apparently they were awesome. I dumped some lemon herb butter over them and some linguine and called it a night. Corbin tried a bite. He said he didn't like it, but he didn't spit it out and he was smiling while he chewed, so I'm pretty sure he did like it. He wants to go lobster hunting with daddy now lol.
The funny thing is....I feel like I need to cook a whole lobster now. I was scarred for life by the tails, but I want to cook a whole, live lobster. I don't know why. I feel like I haven't completed the lobster cooking challenge yet. Tail murder is not enough. I must murder and mutilate a whole lobster. I think I'll wait until after the baby comes though. I think pregnancy hormones and lobster murder would be a bad combo.
Oh yeah....
While reading the cookbook section on shellfish last night (needed a picture to make sure I was handling tail splitting right) I saw a recipe for fried blue crabs. This sounded like it had potential, so I read through it. Thought I would tackle those next. Then I read the first line. This requires live blue crabs. The book says to run them under cold water so that they are easier to handle. This seems odd to me, but I read on. I'm supposed to grab the crab, stab it in the brain, and cut it's head off!! Yup, fried blue crab is out of the question. Maybe when Corbin is old enough to murder the crabs for me. He may even enjoy it.
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