4 things I LOVE about Corbin

1. He's a really good hugger. I think he gets it from his daddy who also gives good hugs. When you can get Corbin to hug you, he hugs with everything in him. Of course, now that he's getting bigger he likes to tell me things like "hugs are yucky" and "It's not a hug day yet" But if I let it go and move on to something else, he usually opens his arms up and starts yelling "hugs! hug!!" pretty quickly. And there are always good night hugs. Corbin hugs are pretty much the best.
2. He's such a boy. He's wild and crazy and loud. He plays hard. He turns everything into a gun. He's dirty and messy. I love it. Snakes and snails and puppy dog tails and all that stuff. I wanted a boy from the moment I found out I was pregnant with him. He's really a lot of fun.
3.  His funny way of saying things. Anyone who has a four year old or has been around a four year old knows they can't pronounce a lot of things. But they like to use grown up words. The result is kinda funny. Corbin says "bixed" instead of "fixed". He says "bistaken" instead of "mistaken". He tells people "This is my mom and her name is Wufie"
4. He is over the top friendly. Corbin talks to everyone, everywhere, all the time. Today he introduced himself to the librarian and had a 5 minute conversation with her about peanut butter. He spent 20 minutes chatting up our neighbor. He told the McDonald's drive thru lady all about his toy truck. Corbin loves everyone.

A Challenge

I'm a horrible blogger lol. I do really well for a little while and then stop for months. In an attempt to become a better blogger and keep all my adoring fans (*snort*) up to date on life at the Murphy house, I've decided to post a photo a day for the rest of the year. This works in two ways. One, I will be a much more consistent blogger and two I will be better about taking pictures of Corbin and everything else in our lives. I've slacked off on the picture taking in the last year and that's not good either.

In other news, I followed up with Dr.Sweet (well the nurse practitioner at the office) yesterday. My tiny incisions are healing well. My belly button is still a bit of a mess, but I guess that's normal. IDK....it's never gonna look the same - it's now a semi outie. No big deal.

wasn't planning to share this....

but when one has surgery it becomes a lot harder to keep things a secret.

So...two and a half weeks ago we found out we were expecting again. Because of our history and because I am seeing a reproductive endocrinologist, I was being followed closely and having my hCG levels checked. My first draw was low for 4wks, but the next draw more than doubled in 48 hours. Doubling is the important thing, so we figured things were probably ok, even with the low numbers. I had another draw 96 hours later. Well my levels had barely doubled in 96 hours. Not a good sign. I was told I would probably miscarry and to come back a week later for another draw. I was in the airport in Charlotte when I got this news - flying to Louisville for my brother and his fiance's bridal shower. Airports are a great place to get bad news. It's a little hard to fall apart when you are are surrounded by 1000 people and trying to figure out how to get a connecting flight to Louisville when you've missed your flight due to ridiculous delay leaving Fort Myers.

Anyway....

I spend the weekend in Louisville and it's a good weekend despite my bad news.

I get home Monday night and James and I go out to dinner. We get home around 11, in bed around midnight. And I'm really uncomfortable. Not in pain...but my back and some weird feeling in my left side. I just can't get comfy and I don't sleep well all night. I had also been spotting intermittently  since Saturday afternoon at this point. It just does not seem right to me, so I call my RE's office as soon as the open - around 830. The nurse takes my call and I tell her I just don't feel right. So she says she'll talk to the doctor and call me back. About an hour later, she calls me back and tells me that Dr. Sweet wanted me to go for repeat labs that day instead of waiting for Thursday. He also wants me to have an ultrasound that afternoon. So off we (Corbin and I) go to quest for bloodwork. The nurse mentions that they are a little concerned about an ectopic pregnancy, but not to worry...blah blah blah.

I go in for my ultrasound at 230. James Aunt Amy agreed to watch Corbin for me - didn't even ask why, which I appreciated b/c I did not want to get into all of it lol. I don't take him to the RE's office with me b/c there are women there who can't get preggo and I'm trying to be sensitive. Plus an internal ultrasound exam is no place for a curious, nosey 4 year old. I'm not up for that lol.

I see the nurse practitioner - who I really like. She asks me a bunch of questions. By this point my discomfort is pain and it has moments where it is pretty bad. So we do the ultrasound. No sign of pregnancy in my uterus - but we would expect that based on my levels. My tubes look ok - but it can be hard to tell on ultrasound sometimes.

She brings Dr. Sweet in and he says it could be ectopic, it could be a normal miscarriage. He has no idea. He can do surgery in a couple of hours to find out but it would be stupid to do so if it's not ectopic. BAsically - he has no idea what the best option is. He does a couple of tests - one involves me jumping to see if it makes the pain worse (it does) and then tells me I can go home, but I am to call him if the pain gets worse at all and we will do surgery. He's confused. I have no risk factors. The first thing he asked me when he walked in the room was how many people James and I had slept with before each other. (no one else in case you're wondering)  I don't have an IUD, I'm young, they don't think there is any scarring anywhere - based on my HSG last fall. I should not have an ectopic pregnancy. But he's concerned now b/c there's no evidence of pregnancy and I have pain mostly on one side of my lower abdomen. It's not a good thing.

So I go home, pop a tylenol 3 with Codeine, and put my feet up for a couple of hours. The pain begins to get worse b/c that is my luck. Nothing can be easy around here. James reminds me that I am supposed to go to the hospital. I say we can wait. So we wait. A couple hours later, it's definitely worse and I'm still putting off the hospital. BEcause if I go to the hospital, I'm having surgery - Dr. Sweet has made that perfectly clear. I don't want surgery if I don't have to and if I over react and end up with unnecessary surgery at 830 on a Tuesday night - well my doc and the anesthesiologist on call are not gonna be happy with me. Plus it's surgery. I don't like being cut on. It's not my thing.

My friend Terri - who has had an ectopic - texts me around 8 and she's worried about me. I promise I'll go if I need to. About 30 minutes late, we decide we should just in case. Call Dr. Sweet, he says go on in, we can do surgery around 1am. Call my IL's - they take Corbin for us and off we go. After mass confusion in the ER about where to send me, I get a voicemail from Dr. Sweet saying OR knows I'm coming, surgery at 11. The ER figures it all out and I bypass triage and everything. I'm sure the other ER patients were wondering why I got pushed ahead since I really didn't look critical and some of them were in BAD shape. I get sent straight over to OR and they start prepping me.

Again, Dr. Sweet says he will be surprised if we get in there and it is ectopic - I have no risk factors. The man has only had 2 other ectopics with no risk factors in 20+ years of practice. He's had several ectopics - but high risk women for them. Not women like me. But we're gonna be safe and do surgery. I sign all the papers, tell him to only save the tube if there is minimal damage and off we go.

When I wake up, we're all glad Dr. Sweet played it safe. Ectopic pregnancy - left tube. He saved the tube b.c there was no damage to it. It was caught very early, thank God, and I was still at low risk for rupture. We have no idea what caused me to have an ectopic pregnancy.

Since he saved the tube, I will have to go in every week for hCG draws until my levels are 0. There is a chance some cells may be left behind if they leave the fallopian tube and those cells may start growing. That would mean another surgery or a shot of methotrexate. So we have to watch carefully and make sure we catch it if that happens.

That pretty much sums up my week. Like I said - we hadn't planned to share, but it's slowly leaking out. So we decided to just get it out there.

It's kinda different from my other losses. We're very sad, but we are also very relieved that we caught things early enough that there weren't any problems. It's weird. I can't really explain how I feel.

I told the nurse practitioner if I never have to have another ultrasound again, I will be a very happy person.

"suddenly, here it is again. The chain of suggestion can begin almost anywhere: a phrase heard in a lecture, an unpainted board on a house, a lamp post, a stone. From such innocuous things my imagination winds it's sure way to my wound. Everything is charged with the potential of reminder. There is no forgetting." - Nicholas Wolterstorff

I think it would be worse if there was a way to forget.

song of the moment

I love this song. It's on the soundtrack for the movie Elizabethtown, which is one of my most favorite movies. James and I saw the movie on our six month dating anniversary and it's been a favorite ever since. So I bought the soundtrack 5 years ago and it was just as good as the movie. When nothing else sounds good music wise, I put the Elizabethtown soundtrack on and it's always right. This is one of my favorite songs from the soundtrack. I don't know why I love it so much, but I really really love it. It's been stuck in my head lately, so I'm sharing it here. It's called "Long Ride Home" and it's by Patty Griffin:

Here are the lyrics:

Long black limousine
Shiniest car I've ever seen
The back seat is nice and clean
She rides as quiet as a dream
Someone dug a hole six long feet in the ground
I said goodbye to you and I threw my roses down
Ain't nothing left at all in the end of being proud
With me riding in this car, and you flying through the clouds

I've had some time to think about you
And watch the sun sink like a stone
I've had some time to think about you
On the long ride home

One day I took your tiny hand
Put your finger in the wedding band
Your daddy gave a piece of land
We laid ourselves the best of plans
Forty years go by with someone laying in your bed
Forty years of things you say you wish you'd never said
How hard would it have been to say some kinder words instead
I wonder as I stare up at the sky turning red

I've had some time to think about you
And watch the sun sink like a stone
I've had some time to think about you
On the long ride home

Headlights staring at the driveway
The house is dark as it can be
I go inside and all is silent
It seems as empty as the inside of me

I've had some time to think about you
And watch the sun sink like a stone

I've had some time to think about you
On the long, on the long
Oh the long, on the long
On the long ride home

an update on all of us

I'm a crappy blogger lol.

Let's see what's happened since the last time I posted.

December 23 - My baby turned 4! Here is a picture of him on 12/17 at his birthday dinner at TGIFridays (the quality is BAD lol!)






We had a really great Christmas too and I promise some day I will post pics...but I have to get them off the camera first lol! Corbin got lots of great toys (Santa really delivered!) This was the first Christmas since James and I have been together that I had to work. I worked Christmas Eve overnight with Christmas Day off, so it wasn't too bad. I was able to make breakfast and supper for James and Corbin and enjoyed watching Corbin play with his presents. I was also able to participate in all of our Christmas Eve activities. I left straight from church for work, but it was nice not to miss much.

January 3rd was James and mine's 5th anniversary. Time flies! It's been an interesting - and at times very very rough five years. But we've really stuck through it, worked on our selves and our relationship and I can honestly say at this point I am married to my best friends. I can't imagine - nor do I want to - going through the rest of my life with anyone but James. Warm fuzzies lol.

So that's basically what's been going on with us.

December 20, 2010

Today was my due date. I was going to VBAC (vaginal birth after a c-section) so really there's no way of knowing whether or not Pepper would have arrived today - probably not lol. But when you find out you're pregnant, you begin to focus on that date - 36 weeks or so in the future - that is approximate time of your baby's arrival. Ask any pregnant woman - the estimated due date is a big deal. We all know baby could arrive two weeks on either side of that day, but it doesn't matter. The due date is important!

So anyway....when you lose a pregnancy, your due date becomes a not so happy reminder of what was supposed to happen and what actually happened instead. This is the third time I've hit a due date for a dead baby. It doesn't get easier. It gets different. I know what to expect of my emotions this time. I know only one or two people will remember and that won't get to me as much as it did the first time. But I think I'm more frustrated this time. I'm ready for my take home baby...and this is just another reminder that I don't have that yet. It's another reminder that I have no choice but to wait.

I'm not a patient person. And I have had more than one "why her and not me??" moments when I see pregnant women out and about. But my husband said it well the other night "There is something God wants that woman to learn and experience by having a baby right now and there is something He wants you to learn by not having one. We have to trust that He knows what He's doing" And I know James is right about that. So I wait. I know when it is our turn - when I see how God was working - it will be worth the wait. It doesn't take away the pain and grief, but it makes it easier to deal with somehow.

accept where you are...right now

I just read this somewhere and it stuck out to me a bit....

When we lost Pepper, the doctors said "wait 4-6 months to try again" The bereavement people sent us all this paper work and the ongoing theme was "wait 6 months to make major life decisions"


I get that now....

We are 4 days out from 4 months since I found out we had lost her. We're 5 days out from 4 months since she was born sleeping.

In the past 4 months, I have been all over the place with what I want to do.

On the way home from the hospital on July 15, James asked if I was ok and why I was calmer this time than I had been the first time. I told him it was b/c I knew we were going to try again soon and we would have another baby. The first time I didn't have that. The first pregnancy we lost was unplanned and things were rough in our marriage. James did not want more kids b/c of that and I really never thought we would have another baby. So I was grieving a lot of things there - the loss of a much wanted baby, my marriage not being everything I wanted it to be, the thought of never having another baby. I was also a different person then. I've grown a lot in the past two years. Two years and one day actually. Yesterday was two years to the day that we found out baby "smurph" was gone....today is 2 years to the day from my D&E.

So I was calmer this time....that's where I was going with this. Of course as time went on and things became a little clearer...I spent a lot of time in tears. But the deep horrible anger I had the first time, the bitterness at the unfairness of it all...I've not experienced that so much this time. I've been angery...I've seen pregnant women and infants and felt the horrible jealousy towards them and bitterness towards my own situation. But mostly...I've just felt this horrible sadness. And a physical ache...my heart hurts. I've talked about that before. It's a physical pain.

So....anyway - we were going to conceive right away...starting this month....

And then I had a thought....maybe I'll go back to school. And I voiced that thought to my husband who thought it was brilliant. And so that's been the plan for a couple of months.

And then about a month ago I started thinking....another baby sooner would be nice. Then we found out about the PCOS and I started thinking....waiting might be a bad idea.

All of my thoughts...all of my "decisions"....all of what I "want"....is driven by fear. Wanting to wait to have another baby - driven by fear of what if this happens again? Hell....let's take that waiting one step further...the most painful place in my heart that says "this is just not worth the heartache anymore" - it's scared of trying again ever. It's scared to adopt in case that falls through. It's scared to hurt like this ever again. Because I am so much better than I was at first. But I look back at those first dark days after we lost Pepper. And I know how much they hurt. And I'm not sure I can handle those again. So I want to put it off as long as possible.

Then the wanting to jump into again now...I'm scared if we don't it will only get harder to get pregnant. It's easy for us now...what if we wait and my pcos gets worse? What if we wait and we have trouble conceiving next time? The risk of miscarriage increases as you get older....waiting is a bad idea.....the what ifs will drive you crazy...for real.

Then there's this other part of me that says....let it go. And see what happens. And sometimes I feel like that's the most rational part of my brain. And sometimes I realize that I want the decision made for me so that I don't have to make it for myself. I don't think that's the way it's going to work either. I don't know....

So anyway - I read that about accepting where you are right now. And I think maybe in addition to accepting it, enjoying it would be important too. I've spent 4 months in "limbo" - and I want a plan. But I'm not there yet. I'm not ready to make a plan yet. But because I want a plan, I'm having a hard time enjoying what I have now...And what I have now is really good. I have a great kid, a great marriage, a husband that loves me. I have a house, a job I enjoy, a great family and friends in general. And good stuff is happening now too.

So maybe instead of trying to figure out the plan, I need to remind myself to relax and enjoy right now. I'm going to spend the next little while - however long it takes to have a clear answer - in prayer. And see if God is leading me in a specific direction. And I'm going to enjoy what I have right now. I'm going to enjoy my Mondays and Wednesdays with Corbin. I'm going to lose 10lbs. I'm going to start volunteering. Just because I don't have a plan yet doesn't mean life has to stop. It doesn't mean I have to be in "limbo"

After all...."life is what happens while you're making other plans" So I'm going to attempt to enjoy life and take the plan as it comes.

cruisin to the bahamas

Last weekend James and I went on a cruise. It was awesome! To share all the pictures and go into all the details would take forever, so I'm just gonna hit the highlights.

So Friday we got on the boat. The boat left Miami, we got settled in, and then we went to check things out. It was way rainy and windy:

Saturday morning, I woke up to this view from our window::

We got up, had breakfast, and then got off the boat to spend the day in Nassau....



We walked around for a while

and then got a taxi to Atlantis::

We found a bar and had a couple of drinks:

Then we caught a taxi back and went to have some lunch::

 

 After lunch, we walked on a beach to get back to our boat:

 

Sunday we spent the day on the boat.

We rode the waterslide:

 

Bought a fruity drink in a coconut (his name is Fred lol):

 And laid around in the sun:

 

 

Then we got dressed for dinner:

 

And finished the night out with a surprise encounter with Spider Man:

 

All too soon our trip was over. When we woke up Monday morning, we were back in Miami:
 

 

We had a great time and can't wait to do it again :)

reproductive endocrinologist and test result updates

I got my test results back from the doctor on Friday. Everything looked good, except I had about a gazillion cysts on my ovaries. Ok not quite a gazillion...I can't remember the exact number, but it was at least 12 (what you have to have in order to have polycystic ovaries). That, combined with slightly longer cycles and later ovulation earned me a PCOS diagnosis. I can't say that I was super surprised. At my first appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist, the nurse practitioner made it quite clear they didn't like that my cycles were consistently longer than 35 days. And I have a history of ovarian cysts. No one ever said anything about PCOS at that time, but when the NP showed me my u/s of my ovaries, I knew what was coming.

PCOS increases your chances of miscarrying to 40%-45%. Most women have a 15%-20% chance of miscarrying. They are not saying this is why we are miscarrying. But they are saying this is not helping our chances of having a take home baby. So they are treating me with metformin. From what I understand - with pcos you don't always process insulin correctly and that can cause the cysts. Metformin is typically prescribed for diabetics b/c it helps you process insulin the right way. The hope is that will help control my pcos and it won't get worse. It may help my cycles be a normal length and decrease my ovarian cysts. It may also make it a bit easier to lose weight - something that I can do now, but have to work really really hard to do. The RE would like me to lose 10-15lbs, so I'm hopeful it won't be as hard now. 

The other thing that concerned my RE was the fact that I tend to ovulate later in my cycles - usually b/t cycle days 20-30. Ovulating later in your cycle can (it does not always) increase the chances of "genetically abnormal embryos". Obviously this increases the chance of miscarriage. For lots of women, this is not an issue, but with our history of pregnancy loss, the RE wants to try to get me ovulating earlier in my cycle - preferably before CD 16. In order to accomplish this, he will be putting me on a medication called Femara when we are ready to try to conceive again. I'm hopeful that the metformin will regulate my cycles, since they're only slightly irregular and we can avoid the fertility medication. But if not, the RE feels this will give us a better chance for a take home baby.

This is all based on a couple of assumptions - the biggest one being that James has normal genes. So we are hoping to get chromosomal karyotyping on him in the next week or so. We will have those results in about 6 weeks. If they all come back normal, then we go on with the medicine and trying to have a full term baby. If his are messed up our options are pretty limited. We will discuss those if it happens. 

The other assumption we are working under is that something has been genetically wrong with our losses. I had originally been told that was not the case - that the babies were genetically fine. I recently found out that they never tested chromosomes on the first loss. The pathology was normal, but we don't know more than that. With Pepper, the chromosomes would not grow and although the autopsy was good and she looked normal - that does not mean genetically everything was fine. The loss in between was very early and losses that early typically are b/c of genetic stuff. So we're working with the assumption that James and I are genetically fine, but maybe making genetically abnormal babies.

So basically the plan is take some small steps to increase our chances of genetically normal babies and to control my PCOS in hopes of getting our take home baby.

That's our update....

Money has been a bit snug here in the Murphy home lately - although I'm sure almost everyone can relate to that anymore. But we got hit with all of my medical bills from my miscarriage (which had to be induced in the hospital, due to my body failing to realize what had happened, and earned me an overnight stay on L&D) and the subsequent 4 day stay from my infection two weeks later. Right after that, they stopped giving James overtime at work. So it's been tight the last couple of months. It's ok - we have everything we need. We've just cut back on the wants. But I like to have a little wiggle room in the budget and we are striving to get 100% debt free and get some savings going. So we've both been spending a lot of time in prayer about our jobs and just trying to trust God to provide in whatever way he was going to.

We've recently started taking a Crown Financial class at church and have begun tithing again as well. It seems to contradict the whole tightening up thing - but we've been convicted about our money and have realized that it's not ours really in the first place. We want to use His money that He's so graciously given to us in a way that will honor Him and we have felt convicted that the first way we can do that is to give back to Him first thing and trust that He will provide a way for ends to meet.

And He has. 

I have been paying attention at work and looking for an opportunity to transfer back into the hospice house. There is a pay increase with this - on nights in particular. Well last Wednesday a position was posted for the hospice house close to my home. It was a night shift job. I applied for it right away. On Thursday, HR called to set up an interview for Friday. The interview went well but they had "more applicants to interview and would get back to me next week" Well this afternoon they called and offered me the job!! I was thrilled of course! Not only will my paychecks be bigger, but we will be able to cut down to 4 days - maybe even 3 days - of daycare for Corbin, saving us even more money.

This will be a bit of an adjustment for our family. Working nights is hard b/c I enjoy spending the evenings with James and Corbin and I feel like I will see less of them. I also have to work every other weekend. But it is only 3-4 nights a week and every other weekend, so we will just make the most of the other nights and weekends that I am off work. I am looking forward to being home with Corbin a couple more days a week though and I know he will like to stay home a bit more as well.

I am so glad that God opened this door for us and I'm so excited to see how the transition goes.

"when daddy let me drive"

I am all about carseat safety. My family calls me a "carseat nazi". Corbin rearfaced in the carseat until 18 months and would have gone longer except he outgrew the seat. I plan to keep him harnessed until he's 5 or 6 - when ever he outgrows the seat he's in. I cringe when I see carseats installed wrong, loose harness straps, or kids wearing coats in the carseat. A girl at work brought her baby in and the carseat was a hot mess, so I fixed it for her without even asking. To me - there's no point in using the carseat if it's not being used right!

So a couple of weeks ago, my car was in the shop. James picked me up after work and we stopped to get Corbin on the way home. We did not have the carseat with us, but since his daycare is literally just around the corner from the house, I sucked it up. As we got in the car, Corbin asked if he could drive daddy's truck. My gut instinct was to say no. No way can you drive daddy's truck! We're already being completely unsafe - this is a horrible idea!!!

Well James said sure, popped him on his lap, and started the truck.

And we were off....

Of course, I'm flipping out the majority of the less than a minute trip home. Really not comfortable with this, what is my husband thinking....blah blah blah....

And then...

I looked over at Corbin and he is in HEAVEN. The grin on his face, the excitement in his eyes - this kid is having the time of his life. And it reminded me of when I was a little girl.

I am sure that my daddy let me drive his vehicle at some point in time before I was legally supposed to. I vaguely remember that. But what stands out as a favorite memory to me is this....my grandpa used to let us sit on his lap and drive the car or the tractor. And  we always felt so grown up and important and special doing it. It was so exciting and so much fun and obviously I loved it b/c 20 yrs later it's one of my favorite childhood memories. 

While Corbin won't be driving again for a very long time - I'm glad his daddy overruled me and let him that day. He may not remember it - but we will. And the look on his face and the good time he had is one of my favorite Corbin memories.

On a side note....as I was driving to work yesterday the song "when daddy let me drive" by Alan Jackson came on the radio. Made me think of my sweet boy. I'll post the words below:

It was painted red
It's stripe was white
It was 18 feet
From the bow to the stern light
2nd hand from a dealer in Atlanta
I rode up with daddy
When he went there to get her
Put on a shine
Put on a motor
Built out of love
And made for water
Ran it for years
Till the transom got rotten
A piece of my childhood that'll never be forgotten
It was, just an old plywood boat
75 johnson with electric choke
A young boy, two hands on the wheel
I cant replace the way it made me feel
And I would turn it shore line, and, make it wide
He'd say, ya can't beat the way an old wood boat rides
Just a little lake across the Alabama line
But I was king of the ocean, when daddy let me drive

Just an old 1/2 ton, short-bed Ford
My uncle bought new, in '64
Daddy got it right
Cause the engine was smokin'
Couple of burnt valves and he had it goin'
He'd let me drive her when we'd haul off a load
Down a dirt strip, where we'd dump trash
Off of Thickpin Road

I would sit on the seat
And stretch my feet out to the pedals
Smiling like a hero that just received his medal
It was just an old hand-me-down ford
With 3 speed on the column
And a dent in the door

A young boy, 2 hands on the wheel
I can't replace the way it, made me feel
And I would press that clutch and I'd keep it right
He'd say a lil' slower son you're doin' just fine
Just a dirt road with trash on each side
But I was Mario Andretti
When daddy let me drive

Im grown up now 3 daughters of my own
I let 'em drive my old jeep
Cross the pasture at our home
Maybe one day they'll reach back in their file
And pull out that old memory
And think of me and smile, and say
It's just an old worn out jeep
With rusty ole floor boards
Hot on my feet
A young girl, two hands on the wheel
I can't replace the way it, made me feel
And he'd say, turn it left now, and steer it right
Straighten up girl now, you're doin' just fine
Just a lil' valley by the river where we'd ride
But I was high on a mountain, when daddy let me drive
Daddy let me drive

new blog

I created a fitness blog so I have somewhere to post to keep me accountable. Check it out :)

James 1:2-4

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

 ****************************************

This is one of my favorite scriptures. It's underlined, highlighted, starred,etc in my Bible.
 *****
I heard some news today that is actually wonderful news for a sweet family member. But it made me a bit sad as well. News that someone is expecting again is proving to be a thing that causes mixed emotions in me more often than not anymore. While I am always thrilled that someone is being blessed with a new baby, it is a painful reminder of what I lost and the fact that maybe God is closing the door of a second child for us. So it can sting a little. And in the moment that I heard my family member's wonderful news, there was a small part of my heart that hurt for a minute. Perhaps that makes me a horrible, selfish person? I honestly don't know. But it is what it is and while I am seeking to be content in circumstance I don't like, there are moments where it is hard.

All of that said....as I'm standing in my kitchen, pulling apart a VERY hot whole chicken for chicken soup (which is amazing soup by the way!) - I'm having my difficult moment. The good thing is I could take out my emotions on poor mister chicken. That was a nice touch lol. But I'm thinking and that verse pops in to my head. And then I'm thinking..."well that's special and all, but surely not applicable to my situation"

About 20 seconds later I realize it is applicable to my situation. See the God I serve knows all. And knew what trials I was going to go through a long time before I did - since the beginning of time last I checked lol. And I can't pick and choose what situations in my life scripture is applicable to. My situations do not change God's word. Somehow, even in a really bad situation - a painful situation - I am to count it all as joy b/c God is being and will be glorified through this. And it's really really hard. I'm learning a little more each day exactly how much I have to rely on His strength to do what is right in my life. Because left to my own, I would be a rather pitiful mess. By the grace of God, I am not - but I'm still a struggling person more often than not.

We have been talking church about making the choice to follow God. This morning we specifically talked about following God when His plans are different than ours are. I really don't remember a lot of what the pastor said...I was having my own little chat with God. But what I got out of church this morning is basically this...I can't change God's plan. His will is going to happen no matter what I do. But I can control how I react to it. When you serve a sovereign God, you know He could have stopped your tragedy. Maybe He didn't cause it, but He did allow it to happen. And you're left with the question of "why?" Why didn't He stop it if He could have? What is the reason for His actions (or lack thereof) in this situation? And you have a choice...You can choose to walk away b/c it hurts too much and you don't want to serve a God who didn't intervene in your personal tragedy. Or you can choose to continue to follow God, knowing that somewhere in someway good will come, God's will will be done, and He is faithful and sovereign in all things.

I can tell you honestly that some days it seems like it would be easier to just walk away from it. But in my heart, I know the truth, I know the God I serve, and I know that I can't just walk away. There is too much at stake to give it all up. So by the grace and strength of God, I keep on holding on. I may falter and cry and have a bad day. But that's the beautiful thing about God's grace and strength. It's abundant. It never runs out. And even in the moments when I'm taking my feelings out on an innocent dead whole chicken and feeling anger, and sorrow, and disappointment, and pain....if I lean on Him, put my trust in Him, and follow Him, somehow I will get through it all.

last week's weigh in

154.5! Down 1.1lbs...

I've been a bit of an exercise slacker the past couple of days and will be starting P90X week 6 over again tomorrow. I should be on day 5 tomorrow, but like I said - lazy slacker. My weight is holding steady though, so hopefully if I get back on it tomorrow, I'll see a little loss....

song that's currently stuck in my head

I love love love this song. Have listened to it at least once a day for the last two weeks. 

 

Won't Turn Back

needtobreathe

 

 Lonely like a sailor
Who's left his girl at home
No storm could overtake the love he knows

So tell me why I should run for cover
At the sound of the coming thunder
All I hear is the cry of my lover
So take your shot
I won't turn back

I won't turn back

Faithful like a soldier
Who's answered to the call
Even when his back's against the wall

So tell me why I should run for cover
At the sound of the coming thunder
All I hear is the cry of my lover
Yeah take your shot
I won't turn back

No I won't turn back

weigh in...

155.6 lol.

I was up to 158 on Monday though, so I'll take it. I've already meal planned for today - including a couple drinks at the bowling alley - and I'm within my calorie range. Plus I'm going to work out this afternoon. So maybe I'll maintain through the weekend. Not getting my hopes up to lose weight. That rarely happens on a weekend. But if I can hold steady, I'll be thrilled lol.

Hopefully I'll see 153 next Friday :)

Inspiration

My fabulous sister has lost a ton of weight and looks amazing. And she's still going strong. When she puts her mind to something like weight loss, she does awesome with it.

Me? I'm a crappy dieter. I've been losing weight since corbo was born. Three pregnancies and miscarriages in ther have made it tricky. I was 142 lbs when we got pregnant in January. We lost it a week later - febuary 7 - and between that and my starting full time at work, I gains 5 lbs before I got pregnant again in March. Opps. I then proceeded to gain 12 lbs in the 17wks
I was pregnant with Pepper Lynn.

2 months later, I've lost 3 lbs.

So not ok.

I started p90x in august and I'm almost done with my first month. I am noticing a difference in how my clothes are fitting, so that's great. But I want to lose weight and it's not so easy.

I know what I need to do - track every bite of food and stay within my calorie range. But some days are just bad and I'm a lazy slacker.

So inspired by my sister, I'll be posting my weekly weighins on my blog every friday. Maybe it will help. Certainly can't hurt. I'm thinking about starting a weightloss blog as well and will let everyone know if I do.

Here is last Fridays weight:155lbs.

I will be happy with a lb a week lost. I'm going to stick to the plan, write down everything I eat, continue to exercise, and hopefully that scale will start moving in the right direction (quickly!!)

We'll see how this goes!

double chocolate peanut butter pie recipe

Got this one from food and wine. Not too difficult to make and yummy. Really rich though.

Ingredients

Chocolate Crust

1. 4 ounces semisweet chocolate, chopped (1/2 cup)
2. 1/2 stick unsalted butter, cut into tablespoons
3. 8 ounces chocolate wafer cookies (from a 9-ounce package), finely ground (2 cups)

Peanut Butter Filling

1. 8 ounces cream cheese, softened (1 cup)
2. 1 cup chunky peanut butter
3. 1/2 cup sugar
4. 2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
5. 1 cup well-chilled heavy cream
6. 3/4 cup salted roasted peanuts, chopped
7. Kosher salt

Chocolate Topping

4 ounces semisweet chocolate, chopped (1/2 cup)
1/2 cup heavy cream 

Directions

1. Preheat the oven to 375°. In a medium glass bowl, combine the chocolate and butter and microwave at high power in 20-second intervals until the chocolate is melted. Stir well, then stir in the cookie crumbs. Press the cookie crumbs over the bottom of a 9-inch springform pan and 1 1/2 inches up the side. Bake the crust for 10 minutes, or until set; the crust will continue to firm up as it cools.
2. In a large bowl, using a handheld electric mixer, beat the cream cheese with the peanut butter, sugar and vanilla extract until blended. In another large bowl, using the same beaters, whip the chilled cream until firm. Fold one-third of the whipped cream into the peanut butter mixture to loosen it, then fold in the remaining whipped cream and 1/2 cup of the chopped peanuts. Spoon the filling into the crust, smoothing the surface. Sprinkle lightly with salt and refrigerate until set, about 3 hours.
3. In a medium glass bowl, combine the chocolate with the heavy cream and microwave at high power in 20-second intervals until the chocolate is melted and the cream is hot. Stir the chocolate topping until blended, then let cool to barely warm, stirring occasionally.
4. Spread the chocolate topping over the peanut butter filling and refrigerate until just firm, about 15 minutes. Sprinkle the remaining 1/4 cup of chopped peanuts around the edge of the pie. Carefully run a thin knife around the pie crust to loosen it, then remove the springform ring. Using a sharp knife, cut the pie into wedges. Run the knife under hot water and dry it between each cut.

Make Ahead

The pie can be covered and refrigerated overnight. Garnish with the chopped peanuts before serving. Serve the pie chilled or slightly cooler than room temperature.

hysterosalpingogram

My HSG (hysterosalpingogram) was today. Basically, they stick a catheter in your cervix, pump your uterus full of dye, and take pictures. It's usually done for women with fertility issues - specifically to make sure the fallopian tubes are clear or that there are no adhesions, etc that could cause issues with implantation. Mine was done to make sure my uterus was shaped normally and there were no adhesions, etc that would cause problems to a growing baby.

 The initial results are good. We'll know for sure in a couple of days.

It was not a comfortable procedure, but wasn't unbearable. I had quite a bit of painful cramping when they put the dye in - that was the worst part to me. The radiologist was amazing. She had had two HSGs done herself and she was very understanding and did everything slowly and gently. I was laughing and joking with her and the tech. A good atmosphere definitely makes a big difference and I'm so glad I had nice people doing my test. 

I'm home now. Feeling ok. I'm crampy, but I expected to be. Just gonna take it easy for the rest of the night. 

I have an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist next week for a second opinion on everything. I'll update after that.