"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and comforts those who are crushed in spirit"

This has been a life verse for me for so many things - boy problems, friend problems, my dad's health problems. When James and I were having issues, when I lost my first and second baby. And now too.

I was thinking, literally the day before I found out Andrew was gone, that God had shown His faithfulness to me over and over again. Even when I was doubting - He was faithful.

I had read in my sisters blog - she was talking about how I had lost two babies and still had faith. And I was thinking - over and over again I had seen God glorified through random, painful events in my life. Some of those things I look back on and laugh at how upset I was at that time. But God worked in me through them, regardless of how stupid. And some of those things - my dad's health, my marriage issues, my babies - have changed me in ways I can't even explain. I have known God's faithfulness and grace and mercy and love so many times in my life. And although there are moments of anger and confusion, I know He is sovereign and has a plan. I know all of these things are somehow making me into the woman He wants me to be. I don't have unshakable faith, but I know God is sovereign and I trust in that. Even in my anger - I come back to that. I couldn't escape it if I tried. It's the truth, you can't run from the truth.

I was listening to the Caedmon's Call song Lead of Love while having these thoughts. And it's true - looking back I do see the lead of love. I've shared that before - when my life was less complicated. But it's true even now - it's been shown over and over.

So the next day we found out Andrew had passed away.

And there was peace.

Everyone we knew was thinking about us. But more than that - lots of people were praying for us. And "the peace that passes all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus". Never have I experienced peace like that. Sure I cried a lot. More in the days after. But there was peace. God was still faithful. My circumstances do not change God's character.

During my first miscarriage - I fell apart. I was a wreck at the hospital. I was a totally different person than I was this time. I grew through that loss and the things that happened afterward.

I approached this time totally differently, but there's no way I did it on my own.

On my own there is no way I could have delivered my dead baby without totally flipping out. I had a brief moment of panic when they told me I was too far along for a surgical delivery. But then I knew I had no choice and I somewhere in my head, started praying for strength. And God provided it.

You know - I spent time at the hospital laughing and joking. This was the hardest thing I had ever done - but I was not going to look back later and only remember tears and a bad attitude. My baby was dead, yes, but the few minutes I would have with it were not going to be ruined by my attitude and actions. I wanted as peaceful of an experience as possible.

By the grace of God, I mostly held it together. Now I cried a few times - but it wasn't out of control or angry. I was sad and scared and everything else most women in that situation were.

But I was strong - or rather God was strong while I was weak. But praise God that his power is made perfect in my weakness. Because it was only Him working in me that allowed me to not fall apart.

There has been anger here - anger at my circumstances, even anger at God. At one point, I looked at James and told him "well God sucks!" This was a day or two after we were home and I was feeling so....lost. The why questions hit - why us? Why now? Why again? The thing is - God can handle my anger and since He knows how I'm feeling anyway - I've found it much better to just tell Him, then to pretend like everything's fine b/t us. Because, I've found, when you're honest with God about your hurt and anger - you don't feel as hurt or as angry. There is healing in an honest conversation with God.

It's not that my faith is strong. It's not. Sometimes I'm barely hanging on. But I serve a God who is strong, I serve a God who understands, and I serve a God who will hold me together when I'm falling apart.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and comforts those who are crushed in spirit"

It's true. Praise Him for His faithfulness.