accept where you are...right now

I just read this somewhere and it stuck out to me a bit....

When we lost Pepper, the doctors said "wait 4-6 months to try again" The bereavement people sent us all this paper work and the ongoing theme was "wait 6 months to make major life decisions"


I get that now....

We are 4 days out from 4 months since I found out we had lost her. We're 5 days out from 4 months since she was born sleeping.

In the past 4 months, I have been all over the place with what I want to do.

On the way home from the hospital on July 15, James asked if I was ok and why I was calmer this time than I had been the first time. I told him it was b/c I knew we were going to try again soon and we would have another baby. The first time I didn't have that. The first pregnancy we lost was unplanned and things were rough in our marriage. James did not want more kids b/c of that and I really never thought we would have another baby. So I was grieving a lot of things there - the loss of a much wanted baby, my marriage not being everything I wanted it to be, the thought of never having another baby. I was also a different person then. I've grown a lot in the past two years. Two years and one day actually. Yesterday was two years to the day that we found out baby "smurph" was gone....today is 2 years to the day from my D&E.

So I was calmer this time....that's where I was going with this. Of course as time went on and things became a little clearer...I spent a lot of time in tears. But the deep horrible anger I had the first time, the bitterness at the unfairness of it all...I've not experienced that so much this time. I've been angery...I've seen pregnant women and infants and felt the horrible jealousy towards them and bitterness towards my own situation. But mostly...I've just felt this horrible sadness. And a physical ache...my heart hurts. I've talked about that before. It's a physical pain.

So....anyway - we were going to conceive right away...starting this month....

And then I had a thought....maybe I'll go back to school. And I voiced that thought to my husband who thought it was brilliant. And so that's been the plan for a couple of months.

And then about a month ago I started thinking....another baby sooner would be nice. Then we found out about the PCOS and I started thinking....waiting might be a bad idea.

All of my thoughts...all of my "decisions"....all of what I "want"....is driven by fear. Wanting to wait to have another baby - driven by fear of what if this happens again? Hell....let's take that waiting one step further...the most painful place in my heart that says "this is just not worth the heartache anymore" - it's scared of trying again ever. It's scared to adopt in case that falls through. It's scared to hurt like this ever again. Because I am so much better than I was at first. But I look back at those first dark days after we lost Pepper. And I know how much they hurt. And I'm not sure I can handle those again. So I want to put it off as long as possible.

Then the wanting to jump into again now...I'm scared if we don't it will only get harder to get pregnant. It's easy for us now...what if we wait and my pcos gets worse? What if we wait and we have trouble conceiving next time? The risk of miscarriage increases as you get older....waiting is a bad idea.....the what ifs will drive you crazy...for real.

Then there's this other part of me that says....let it go. And see what happens. And sometimes I feel like that's the most rational part of my brain. And sometimes I realize that I want the decision made for me so that I don't have to make it for myself. I don't think that's the way it's going to work either. I don't know....

So anyway - I read that about accepting where you are right now. And I think maybe in addition to accepting it, enjoying it would be important too. I've spent 4 months in "limbo" - and I want a plan. But I'm not there yet. I'm not ready to make a plan yet. But because I want a plan, I'm having a hard time enjoying what I have now...And what I have now is really good. I have a great kid, a great marriage, a husband that loves me. I have a house, a job I enjoy, a great family and friends in general. And good stuff is happening now too.

So maybe instead of trying to figure out the plan, I need to remind myself to relax and enjoy right now. I'm going to spend the next little while - however long it takes to have a clear answer - in prayer. And see if God is leading me in a specific direction. And I'm going to enjoy what I have right now. I'm going to enjoy my Mondays and Wednesdays with Corbin. I'm going to lose 10lbs. I'm going to start volunteering. Just because I don't have a plan yet doesn't mean life has to stop. It doesn't mean I have to be in "limbo"

After all...."life is what happens while you're making other plans" So I'm going to attempt to enjoy life and take the plan as it comes.